THIS

is what you need to do if your blog is bland. I just updated mine, but it’s still a template. What you can’t tell *BLUSH*? Thanks.

thrilling

My Friday night in... doing taxes. Yeay.

My yak is named George

"Aha!" moment this morning (see yesterday's post): yak shaving

(Props to Deanna.)

ack!

I cannot bring myself to blog regularly. I suppose this is due to the fact that I am B-to-the-USY.

They say that busy people get more done, but I feel lately like a lot of my hecticness is due to my OCD. I am constantly having to work on being on time for meetings (at work and after) and to keep focused on a particular task. Example: I went to find the tax information, and then I went to dig for it in the hall way and I remembered I wanted new foundation out of my stock and wanted to find out if it matched and then I saw my computer and wanted to check if the internet was working... and where did I put that tax form?... now where is that compact?... do I need to revise my order tonight? should I just buy samples somewhere else or... do I have enough money in my account to pay my credit card bill... when am I going to make time to make the money... where is my calendar?

...
See my problem? Luckily, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist next week. And a hair cut. Because both my crazy and my hair are getting on my LAST FREAKING NERVE.

knowing what''s coming

... doesn't make it any easier.

My grandmother passed away yesterday, after many years of illness. Please keep her in your prayers or at least send good vibes to my family. We need it.

I want these...

You know, in case you wondered what I want for Christmas:

 

A good book

A thermos to keep my coffee hot at my desk

New Pajamas

Jewelry (here and here)

Art supplies (for sketching and watercolor painting)

 

heaven...

…is a hot cup of strong coffee when you are very tired and congested.

 

I have the cold that just won’t quit.  My nasal congestion is gone, but the sinus congestion remains.  It’s not enough to warrant taking more medication.  I’m thinking my allergy meds might just do the trick on the inflammation and clear it up.  Which would be great… if I could find the bottle…

 

UpDATE!

The forecast today called for scattered flurries.  FLURRIES.  I live in Ohio.  I expected this sooner.  But then, I forget I live in Central Ohio, which is a GIANT MASSIVE HEAT SINK where it doesn’t get cold until well after fall starts and my flowers planted next to the house are STILL BLOOMING.

they say you know you are out of things to say...

...when all you can think of to talk about is the weather.

Considering the current date, I shouldn't be bummed by the weather. But the awful way that the weather flips from nice to nasty has got me down and has got me sick. So here's to hoping I feel better before tomorrow and can think of something better to say.

bonus 2

[post 2]

I was talking yesterday to a large group of people, and we all agreed that this time of year is just hard.  There is a lot of transition, you face burnout from nearing the end-of-year/end-of-semester/holidays, and usually life just piles up on you like a stack of unfolded laundry.  They all kept apologizing and worrying and expressing anxiety over this “blah” they all felt – knowing it could have an effect on their work or performance was a huge issue for them. 

 

I have experienced this feeling before, so I reminded them – it is NORMAL.  A period of the “blahs” after a lot of activity or in the midst of demands from life is very common.  It’s also common this time of year, with changing weather, shifting day length, change of seasons.  So don’t fret over it.  Just OWN it.  Let yourself feel this feeling.  Realize it is temporary and use it as a time to reflect and recharge with the knowledge that after the first of the year, you can come back fully enthused and ready to tackle life.

 

bonus

[Okay yes, I know I did not post yesterday.  I thought about it.  A Lot.  But being as I was in the CAR for a large majority of the day, posting via computer was impossible.  I need to figure out how to post via phone…Since I didn’t post yesterday, I’m doing double duty today.]

 

[post one]

Go HERE to check out iGive.com.  Best idea ever.  Since online shopping is all the rage, this combines it with the idea of “ads” that iGive tracks.  For every purchase you make online via the iGive.com portal, a donation is made to your favorite charity.  Mine is the foundation associated with my fraternity.  So go sign up.

 

Day 3 - sent from the present

[Now that we are properly caught up... let's do this thing!!!]

After hearing about the Pillsbury Bake-Off, my interest in becoming an instant millionaire has been piqued. Now, personally, I think the chances of me winning that are higher than the ideas I came up with.

• Win the lottery.
• Invest well.
• Find a long-lost rich relative.
• Invent best ice cream flavor ever and sell to Ben and Jerry's
• Write and have best-selling book published.
• Become an instant reality star.
• Sell advertising space on forehead.
• Pursue career as plus-sized supermodel.
• Or I could just work my tail off for years for the same company and then get promoted and promoted and promoted til I am CEO.
  

Day 2 -- from the future!

Fridays rock.

After a very busy week, today was the day I rolled out of bed and decided that today, I did not need to wear makeup. However, I did do my skincare routine. After I finished, I realized that really, today, I didn't need the makeup. My skin looks that good right now. This is what 4.5 months of wedded bliss will do to you...

retroactive ambition

I will here belie my stupidity of the internetverse and say that I cannot remember what the stinkin' acronym is for this thing. This thing that I am doing -- posting everyday for a month. Since I now have internets at home (YAY for WOW cable!), I can do that. You know. Post from home. Rather than risking a job.

I suppose I could backdate this post that it "appears" as November 1. Being as I am writing it on November 3, it'll be like going back in time...

shorty shorty...

I went on vacation for a week, and then when I come back – PooF – it’s fall.  What happened?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When it rains it pours – last week I was agonizing over one, then yesterday I got four.

 

 

 

 

mooch

Having just purchased a used Apple Powerbook (because I am lazy about getting my old PC set up for home use), my goal in life has been to find wireless internet access.  I’ve priced out wireless for our house, I’m hunting for a reasonably priced wireless router, I’m constantly racking my brain for places to get wireless access that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg.

 

Items my search has procured:

 

1.  WOW cable has a KICK BUTT deal.  For just $5 more than what we pay for digital cable now, we can get digital cable, plus a free DVR, and internet.

 

2.  Local library = not enough computers for the patrons, but free wireless internet!  FREE! 

 

3.  Kinko’s internet = Slow and costs $0.15 per minute for computer/internet use.  But very good and nice sales guy now recognizes me by sight because I am constantly there making copies for my new business.

 

4. Panera Bread has free wi-fi.  FREE WIRELESS INTERNETS!!!  And… they give you FREE REFILLS on your coffee.

 

The Problem of no internet access at home is solved.  Mental breakdown has been averted.

september slump

So the days are getting shorter.  I could actually wear a sweater today and not be too hot.  It’s near fall – the fall equinox is this weekend.

 

I’ve had some down days this week too.  That’s another way I know it is soon fall.  My depression always acts up in the fall and winter – my doc thinks there is a bit of the Seasonal Affective Disorder connected to my symptoms.  I’m really worried about having a relapse of my depression in the next few months.  I’ve been doing well, but I think I am finally coming down from the manic pace of the summer, despite adding things to my plate as of late.

 

I think what relieves some of the worry, however, is that I have a support system set up this time.  Unfortunately, my tendency at times like these is to withdraw - which of course is counter to the idea of using the support system to snap back.

 

 

what every one needs to watch...

THIS is great.  Just what I needed today.

 

Although I started WeightWatchers two weeks ago, and have LOST weight… I now weigh 245.

 

TWO HUNDRED FORTY-FIVE POUNDS.

 

I am 5’ 8”.  When I tell people how much I weigh, they never believe me.  I wear at size 18-20, depending on the style, cut, etc.  I fit into a size 2X.  I HAVE BOOBS.  And a BUTT.  Believe it or not, one of my concerns about switching to a healthy lifestyle is that I will lose my curves.  They are a part of my identity.  I have never been a small girl.  I will never BE a small girl.  But I can and will be an in-shape girl, who can take three flights of stairs at work and not get winded.  A girl who can swim laps and keep up with her former-lifeguard/swimmer husband.

 

When I started WW the intent was strictly to lose weight.  I’m changing my mind.  It’s now to change my lifestyle – to incorporate healthy food, food that isn’t healthy that I love anyway, and more exercise!!! – to change my attitude towards food – to be able to have the ice cream.  Joy is right – life is too short to not live it.  I will eat my full fat, loaded with sugar, full of flavor ice cream now.  And you?  The person who judges me for eating ice cream, for telling me I don’t “need” it?  Well, enjoy your tasteless fat free frozen yogurt with no flavor in a futile attempt to deny yourself any of life’s small pleasures in pursuit of the skinny jean (which doesn’t look good on ANYONE).  If I’m going to eat ice cream, I’m going to eat Godiva Belgian Chocolate ICE CREAM.

 

Can you hand me a spoon please?  Thanks.

 

 

just another manic Monday...

Not having work on Monday is supposed to be a good thing, but it just made Tuesday worse.  Not only was it Monday at work, it was Monday at home.  And after three days of no crazy pills (because they were not packed for the weekend trip…), that is not a good thing.

 

But the weekend was fun – camping with my folks and having no chores to do but sit around and drink beer, do word puzzles, and just BE.

 

I think what made Tuesday overwhelming was my decision to start a small business.  I have the first of my inventory on its way as I write this.  I’m hopeful and excited, but also nervous and overwhelmed by all the little stuff I have to do in order to get started.  First task: to set up my computer - reformat the hard drive, invest in better software (business expense) and internet connectivity (business expense) to help manage everything.  Now, considering I am really my own boss at this, I can’t technically get dooced, but I’m not going to tempt fate any further since I do have people helping me out and a company supplying inventory (both of which can cut me out like a bad skin tag if they feel like it).  That’s the thing with contractual agreements – both parties have an “out” clause for “no fault at all reasons.”  Suffice it to say, I’m excited about the opportunity to make a little extra money and to have something I can call my own ambition.

if I had a million dollars...

…I would buy new clubs.  Right now, although I have a kick-butt stand-bag my sister chose for me as a Christmas present, I am playing with my sister’s old driver and fairway woods (which need re-gripped, but I LOVE the way they hit) and my dad’s old irons and putter.  I dig the putter, but I feel like I should be playing with a slightly different flex club.  Or a longer club shaft.  I just don’t feel comfortable with the irons.

 

What I need to do is go get fitted for new irons.  According to this article in Golf for Women, though, I may have some trouble with that.  However, I have to say, every time I’ve gone to our local Golfsmith, they are more than helpful.  I am usually approached by a salesperson in less than 5 minutes of entering the store.  My sister bought her new driver and hybrid woods there, and the person doing the club fitting was professional and knew his stuff.  He was also patient and offered solid advice, including ordering what my sister wanted and needed on a special order, because it wasn’t in stock.

 

Golfsmith also carries a wide variety of two layer golf balls, women’s shoes, and a fair amount of women’s clubs and clothing.  I did notice that the women’s clothing section is bigger than the club section though.  I know I like to look good when I golf (because at least that is one thing I’ll do right that round), but isn’t the equipment more important?

 

she is a sewing queen...

For some crazy odd reason I have the bug to sew.  Don’t understand it.  Considering how many Other More Important Things I have to do right now.  Oh wait, that is how I deal with stress.  I do other things instead.  At least this time it is productive OCD behavior not destructive.  Help me.  Please.

 

One plus side of this is that the sewing… it cannot happen til the Mess that Will Become My Sewing Room is put in order.  So yea.  And yet that is not on the list of things to do after work today.  Which, by the way includes:

·                     paint shelves for massive armoire

·                     buy beetle bags, mulch, and landscape cloth at Lowe’s

·                     lay cloth and spread mulch

·                     Clean garage (some)

·                     Pull electric trimmer out of garage (see Clean garage – “Some” = only enough to accomplish getting the trimmer out)

·                     Trim lawn around patio, house, fence, electrical wiring, sidewalk, etc.

·                     Go to fraternity alumnae meeting (and try to not be bored out of skull while seemingly pointless yet inevitable debate ensues over Issues that Do Not Matter – anyone who is in any sort of group knows this is how meetings always go.  CUT TO THE MEAT PEOPLE!  I have sleep to be getting tonight!)

 

And I am sure I will be sidetracked somehow from the List.  Right now, it will be by actual work.

 

All photos are shared copyright, credit to Mary Stephenson/ Acorns Graphics

Okay... since I didn't post the ONE picture I promised. Here are a BUNCH. Because, quite frankly, I couldn't choose. :-) Enjoy!

All photos are shared copyright, credit to Mary Stephenson/ Acorns Graphics

All photos are shared copyright, credit to Mary Stephenson/ Acorns Graphics

Perfect day?

Yep. It was a perfect day. All photos are shared copyright, credit to Mary Stephenson/ Acorns Graphics.

FINALLY!

I get our wedding pictures.  J  You only get one.  Tomorrow (ha!  Fooled you!  You got all excited and then… POOF.  Nothing.  That’ll teach you to go and get your hopes up.).  I get all of them today after work – I’m meeting with our photographer to pick up our albums and digital proofs.  The best part about all of this is that we can cheaply make our own prints, post them online for family and friends, and not have to worry about negatives or paper proofs fading.  Though I’ll probably make backup copies of our discs and keep them in the safety deposit box… just in case.

 

We now have a guest room with a guest bed set up.  Steve calculated that my immediate family (including my in town sister) could stay over and everyone would have a bed, including us.  You know, if we WANTED them to stay over.  I pointed out that if my entire family decided to come visit and sleep at our house, that I probably would book he and I a hotel room.  I love my family, but I need SPACE.  Luckily, they understand this… and they get hotel rooms.  Or stay at my sister’s condo…because she’s single and doesn’t have a husband to sit on top of when my parents visit.  Though the idea of a one night splurge on a hot tub suite is a good one to file away for the next time they visit.  For us, not my parents.

 

Work has a lunch’n’learn series where they bring in local community college instructors for language classes.  French I class starts today.  YippEEE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

old married lady stuff

I bought a new piece for my next ceramics project.  It is BIG.  About a foot high, three mushrooms and three frogs, so it will probably take me til the end of summer to finish it.  I love it though.  The ironic thing is that it came from a (and I’m quoting my ceramics teacher) “dead old lady.”  Seriously.  So it was only $6 – for a piece that size it was a BARGAIN.  I will probably kick myself for choosing it, because the last time someone picked such a big piece, it took them WELL PAST the holiday for which the piece was to be decoration.  Hopefully that won’t happen, although it may mean taking it home a few times to touch up spots.

 

We have officially moved all MY stuff into OUR house.  Now I just need to get the stuff we are donating out to the garage and into the driveway for Salvation Army to pick up on Monday.  Then I can finish re-doing the GIGANTIC cabinet we took from Grandma’s house for our kitchen storage.  It was a major score, but has also turned into a major project.  One that I haven’t had much time for lately, but would like to finish this weekend if I can get the garage into a semblance of neatness/cleared out so I don’t get pain all over everything.  God bless my dad for teaching me some basic woodworking/refinishing skills – this will save us a whole bunch of money to refinish a piece, rather than buying new.  And it will have some meaning, which is a bonus.

 

I just wish I wasn’t tripping over all our stuff on my way out the door in the morning – it would make the day start out so much brighter!

migraines suck

Up til 2 AM… in shower, naked, with cold… then hot…water running down over my head and back.  Leaning over the edge of the tub to PROJECTILE vomit into the toilet.  Crying for my husband to hold back my hair.  Then two gel ibuprofens, a little water, and a cold pack on top of a towel over my head and eyes.  Finally fall asleep, then get up at 6:50 AM to drive sis to work from the service shop.

 

After that kind of a night/morning… almost anything could happen, and today would still be a good day.

 

every little girl's dream...

…is for her blog to be just like this.  Having extra time now that the EVENT is over, and I don’t need to be obsessively planning, I have begun obsessively blogreading again.  (Is that a word?  If not, it should be.  I declare it so.  *PING of NEW WORD*)

 

I mean, seriously, can you be a cooler person?  Loving, awesome mom and awesome person in the same body – this is what every girl in my generation swears/hopes/dreams she will be when she is a mom, instead of a version of her own mother.

 

I say this with the full knowledge and understanding (because marriage brings such wisdom of the female condition and what it is to be a “woman”… nota bene the sarcasm…) that my own mom is a loving, awesome mom and awesome person in the same body, but from an older generation than Maggie.  If my mom’s generation had blogs, I like to imagine hers would have been similar to Maggie’s.  Except with references to the drabness that is NE Ohio in the winter and the glory of Ohio in spring, not the always superior moments of San Francisco.

 

 

would you help an indie out?

HELP OUT OVAL OPUS!

Dear Friends,

Thank you to everyone for your continued support of Oval Opus in the “Myth Farewell Tour - Battle of the Bands” contest. Oval Opus is in the running to be the headliner thanks to all of your efforts.

We are now asking for your help more than ever as we make the final push towards victory. There are only 9 days left... please see how you can help below.

The band members have always been advocates of goodwill within our community. In particular, they have supported the Dubunkify mission of raising awareness about the hazards of using tobacco products. The winner of the contest will perform on July 14th on the campus of Ohio State University.

You can vote every 24 hours, so please find the time to support a great band that supports a great cause and serves as a positive role model in today’s society.

How can you help?

1. Vote-vote-vote!!! Vote here every day. 

2. Re-post this or a similar bulletin on your MySpace account.

3. Forward this message to everyone you know!

4. Add Oval Opus to your top 8 friends list.

5. Come see Oval Opus perform on July 14th (with your help).

Results will be announced on June 26th. Good luck to all participating bands!

 

Excuse for a Party: No. 137

This is a pretty cool idea. I heard about this via Universe Today. It was posted on the Scientific American Blog: 66 beer bottles = one cheap rooftop solar water heater.

I guess that would be one good way to recycle the massive number of beer bottles we have in our fridge at present. Although, that would require emptying them first…

Killian’s anyone?

wedding countdown...

We are getting married in T-minus three days and counting.

 

I am most excited about the cookie table.  My mom has made 5 dozen each of four different kinds of cookies, my dad has made 6 kolachi (which is about 180 pieces when cut), three aunts have made cookies, and Steve’s mom is making cookies.  YAY!!!  Considering that was the one thing I really wanted when we started planning the wedding, it’s turned out nicely.

 

Dress is just fitting me.  I’ve unfortunately put back on some weight since buying it but it still fits.  Doesn’t help that I’m nervous and bloated, but hey, that’s what control top undergarments are for right?

 

I’ve made two cheesecakes and about two dozen kiffels, still more kiffels to make.  Unfortunately I burned my LEFT ring finger making the cheesecake.  This came after a major hangnail incident and being STABBED under the fingernail by the multiflora rosebush I was trying to take down in the backyard… both on the same LEFT RING FINGER.  It’s like karma for not wearing my engagement ring while doing these activities or something.  Fortunately, all the injuries are healing nicely, probably thanks to the good nights of sleep I’ve been getting lately.  My body is finally on a good schedule, so able to take care of itself.

perfect wedding tips...

1)       Reduce invite-addressing stress by drinking when doing this task.  It puts in perspective that whether or not you get the last name of Uncle’ Sam’s fiancée’s right…they will still come to the wedding.  And if they don’t poo on them.

2)       Buy a dress with a corset bodice = no alterations = no stress about gaining/losing weight from the stress of not gaining weight

3)       Make sure you delegate as many tasks as possible.  However, you should also know that you will have to make final decisions ANYWAY, so make them BEFORE you delegate – no one believes you when you say you do not care what color your dad’s tux vest ends up.

4)       Use the money you would have wasted on nasty wedding cake that is too dry/too sweet/too melty/too tart to get chocolate covered strawberries for EVERYONE.  People might actually eat those.

5)       No one will understand why you put them at their table… and will move to the one they want to be at anyway.  So DO NOT waste your time trying to figure out if Aunt Myrtle will like your Cousin Eunice, or if it is worth putting near-sighted Uncle Fred at a table close to the dance floor when he’ll leave right after the meal.  Put all the names in a hat, and randomly assign table numbers to each guest by drawing them.  Or use dice to roll table numbers for each guest group. 

6)       Forget favors – spend the money on the band.  Everyone always throws them out as soon as they get home anyway.

7)       Buy comfortable shoes you can wear again.

8)       Buy the dress you like, even if it is more than you pay for rent each month and will only wear once.

9)       Get supplies at the Dollar Tree – no one will know.  No one will care, even if they do know!

10)   Marry your best friend.  ;-)

 

Hellooo...

Yes I know I have been not posting. New job, trying to actually work at, rather than goof off and get fired. A job where I have actual work to do most days most of the day, rather than "set up random experiment, wait 4 hours without doing anything else."

I do like the new job. A LOT. Which is why I won't blog about it, cause I'm not stupid.

Wedding plans are done... now it is little piddly stuff like checking on vendors and confirming reservations. The cake is ordered, the rings are picked up, we have the marriage license in hand as of Friday, and I have to go email the reception hall chick about how to spend more money (since our friends are bailing on us left and right after we invited them...).

Ciao!

this is IT

Ladies and gentlemen of Blogville... I present to you, my last will and testament... as a grad student. (Tomorrow is my LAST DAY EVAR...I start the new job on January 8, 2007... so you will see slightly less of me as there will be no new blogging from work... only home during free time, which I will have blessedly MORE of after tomorrow).

To my bench, I leave clean paper and no dust.

To my pipettes, I leave the opportunity to work for someone new.

To myself, I leave with fear of the unknown but courage to face new opportunity. All I have to do is turn in the darn thing tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

AH!

My thesis is finished. I think. I am walking away from it... saved in multiple places. I have to take a break. I am hoping to print it out and check it out on Saturday or Monday, then make any changes I need to... then to print it out for the graduate school. I am SOOOO tired.

Nicole

defense

:-)

I passed!

Now I just have to finish up and get these papers and myself out of here...I start my new job on January 8 - I won't say where, but it is my DREAM JOB. Gives me even more proof that this (leaving grad school with my Masters) is the right decision.

in... and out...

Oiy.

My masters thesis defense/meeting is tomorrow. Please pray extra hard for me today and tomorrow. I am trying not to obsess. I am trying to go over what I do know, and refreshing my memory and keeping things straight. I am confident - I know my stuff. I am just a little worried that I'll forget that when I set foot in that room.

I just have to remember to pull myself together if that happens. I remember my candidacy exam, I feel apart when I didn't know the answer to something. It was all down hill from there. But the last time I presented, I didn't know the answer to a question. Some discussion ensued, and I had a moment to recognize I was losing it. So I took a deep breath, told myself to pull it together, and did. Then I finished the presentation and did well. So I KNOW I can do this. I deserve this! I have worked and worked and worked, and yea, I am not staying to finish my Ph.D., but at the very least, I deserve to be recognized for the work I have done!

Just breathe. Deep breaths. Try not to pass out or hyperventilate.

Christmas goodness

There is a-plenty of Christmas around. ALL OVER MY FLOOR. ALL OVER MY FIANCE'S FLOOR. I just can't seem to get any of it on the tree. I'm not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. I only bought presents online, and because I felt obligated to get everyone something. Christmas music holds no appeal. I don't fully understand this. Part of it may be the little bit of depression, but I am feeling particularly low this season. The past few ones have been low, since my grandfather passed away during the holiday season in 2000, but usually I can still manage to enjoy it to an extent, while still honoring those memories of him.

This year, though, there is more emotional and physical baggage. A LOT OF stuff going on. I am motivated to do everything else, because also on my floor/my fiance`'s floor are...

-) at least four loads of laundry (how I have yet to run out of underwear is a question of cosmic quantum mechanics).

-) about ten pairs of shoes

-) various wedding accessories

-) books books and more books

That, and I just finished my written masters thesis yesterday. My brain hurts. Time for some weekend celebrating...WHOOOT WOOT!

chapter 3

Driving home in the pouring rain is never Elan’s idea of a good time. Still, she thinks, this is a challenge. Everyone else seems to totally flip out at the thought of slick roads – she just white knuckles the steering wheel and grits her teeth to help with the stress.

Finally home, she kicks off her shoes and heads straight for the shower. Anything short of scrubbing her skin off will help get rid of the stress of the day, despite the constant ringing of the cell phone.

“DAMMIT!!”

She waits for it to stop. It rings again and again and again, then stops just as she’s exiting the shower. Just for that, she thinks, I’m not calling you back right away” as she sinks into the couch with a hot cup of cider and the microwave dinner she had picked up on the way home.

second installment

Elan decided that going home was the best option, but that going home to no food was not. Stopping at the local organic food store on the way home would be the BEST option.

So off to the market she goes. And there bumps into none other than ... this guy. This guy she knows... what was his name again? Brett? Brandon? WAIT...Brad. "You remember him... the tall, sandy blonde that ignored you in college? That agreed to escort you to that dance?" she says to herself. "Oh yes... just one of many heartbreaks/heartbreakers..." she muses to her self.

"Oiy! Brad! What's up!?"

Not much. Just moved here for a new job. What about you?

Working, as usual. The funny thing is that they never tell you that the work doesn't stop with college, it just gets more focused and pointless.

Seriously!

Hey, I gotta run, but it was good seeing you!

Yeah, you too. Hey we should totally get together some time... what's your number?

We should definitely ... my fiance` and you would really get along.

Oh.

What... "oh."???

You're engaged?!

Uh, yeah. See the ring? (she blatantly waves the rock on her left hand... boys.)

--
In any event, they exchange numbers. Elan knows he won't call and doesn't totally intend to call him either. She'll pass it to her fiance` and tell him to call. Or to remind her to call - that will pretty much ensure that the call will never be made. Reconnecting with old crushes is not high on the priority list with a wedding to plan.

what love can't make better...

As much as I want to write a great post tonight, I can't. I have to go write a summary on stress granules and Processing bodies. Yay. :-| So this will be a short but sweet one.

I need to write more other than complaining. So now for your reading enjoyment, a short story... or a short part of a short story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sky was inky black. Aside from the faint glow of the street lamps. It made it look almost like a charcoal drawing, with extra color from pastels added into the scene.

The protagonist of our story stepped out into the warm fall and made the brief observation that it was certainly warm for November. What to do next? To the library for a brief jaunt through the periodicals section for an article, then home to some food... or to the store to buy more food... or what else she didn't know. She just new that after standing all day, and trying desparately to focus on what her hands were doing, she wanted to allow her mind to wander aimlessly. To let her mind call the shots and to cause her fingers to dance gingerly over the keys and let out the thoughts that, like her, had been trapped inside all day - away from the light, hidden in the basement, and kept away from the world. Perhaps allowing them to spill would lighten the load and free her focus to accomplish the things she was required to do (not necessarily NEEDED to do, because that might imply she would rather be doing those things than anything else...).

She stepped out. And let her mind wander with her feet.

cha-cha-cha

So I have started applying for jobs. I found some cool technical writing jobs, some quality analysis jobs, some editor positions. Applied for them all.

I have an interview. For a real JOB. Exciting stuff. Apparently, I'm good on paper.

In other news, saw the Psych today. Quick 30 minute appointment (actually 20, because even though I was there 8 minutes EARLY, we didn't start til 10 after 8.)... upped my dosage of Zoloft to 100mgs per day (I know, you care SOOOO Much about this...). In all, making progress. I have an intake appointment for individual counseling on Monday, so hopefully that will go well. I feel better, if that is any indication of progress.

I also bought THIS... to help with my ultra dry hands. It WORKS baby. Go buy some before the weather gets truly crappy and so does your skin.

L8r.

hat day

So it is official. I have decided to leave graduate school with my masters degree at the end of this quarter.

YEE HAW!...Oh crap now I need to get a job. And no more parental assistance. Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap.... But I will be done with school! I can get a JOB. Doing something I LOVE (versus something that frustrates me to no end!)

Let the celebration of life change commence...

And... in light of that... today is the first day of the fall season I have worn a hat. My Ushuaia hat to be exact (see my flicker strip below right...).

More substantial posts later...

new life...

*Warning: this post contains highly contemplative spiritual and Catholic Christian content. If you are offended by the sharing of other's spiritual experiences, I encourage you to read on so you can actually comment that you are offended at the CONTENT (i.e. my opinions), rather than ranting at me for posting on a spiritual TOPIC.*

I finished chapter 40 of "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren this morning. WOW. I started it thinking, maybe this will help me discern my purpose in life - meaning, I would know what job to have, how to raise my kids, etc.

I realized after finishing this book (mind you, I finished the first 20 or so chapters, then came back to it...) that my PURPOSE is not the activities... not the job... not MY purpose. It's God's purpose. For me. So my life decisions are more about "will this allow me the freedom to fufill God's purpose for me in this life?".. and less "is this where I am supposed to be?".

This means a lot for me, since I am all in the midst of major life changes (school, getting married, having family move, etc.) and making decisions for what direction to take. There may be more than one "right place" for me to be that will fit into God's purpose for me. I just have to be open to fufilling that purpose, whether I know what it is or not. Right now, I am in the dark, and I know that is for a reason. Free will is what it is - free - so I have to make these decisions on my own. I've been praying for the Holy Spirit to enlighten me.

Or rather I am praying for God to open my heard to His word and the Holy Spirit. I have only had a few life experiences where I've been truly enlightened. As of late, I am realizing it's more about me opening up and listening to myself. When it comes down to it though, I truly believe that we all possess a certain amount of Divinity - we are all created in God's image and for His purpose - so listening very carefully, God can speak through our heart by raising the volume of that Divinity He put in us. That's what I'm trying to do.

Right now, I am realizing that though I am good at what I do right now, that there are other talents God has granted me with that I am wasting. So my goal is to not waste my talent - I was blessed with it for a reason. I was blessed with the talents I have (as developed or undeveloped as they may be) to fulfull God's purpose, and using the talents I have and developing the talents I have will help me do that.

So here's my mantra to help me remember my purposes for life: I have to live my life so that I can use my talents to the fullest, mazimize my openess to living my God-given purpose, and be the best person I can be by practicing my faith in my small, everyday actions and decisions.

Have a great weekend!

"three weeks"

Okay, I feel absolutely cruddy today. It is thundering and lightning, and I would rather be in bed. Not much longer til I am, so this is a quicky to let you all know I am alive, the meds are starting to kick in and kick my butt, and that I am absolutely scared out of my mind.

Change freaks the crap out of me. I am contemplating a major life change, and the question I have is whether the risk is worth it. Will I be able to handle it better than I am handling myself in my current life? Or will I crash and burn? I suppose being absolutely miserable makes any options better than life at present.

Wish me luck...

keep on, keep on...

Yeah.  I know I sound like a retro song, but that is all I can do at the moment.  You get opera when I feel better.

I started on meds last week.  So far... nothing, except I noticed that I actually feel tired in the evening when it is time for bed, versus absolutely WIRED like before.  So my sleep/wake cycle is getting fixed at least.  Supposedly, I won't notice any behavioral or emotional changes for a few weeks.  I have noticed I feel somewhat shaky... or rather more than normal if I don't eat.  So I just have to keep an eye on that.  Maybe a little more wired during the day?  Don't know if that's the meds or the new coffee maker.

Oiy... I almost forgot.

I got a new Senseo coffeemaker... for FREE.  Yes, I am so wonderfully great and a fabulous blogger that the Senseo people sent me a free coffeemaker.  Well, er.. um.  Here's the story...

~flash back to shortly after we registered at Macy's, when I was all jazzed on STUFF!  More STUFF! That I will not buy but will receive miraculously!  STUFF!  Note that I am only now semi-recovered from the fine china-induced high of bridezilla-ness...~

I get an email from weddingchannel.com, where our Macy's registry is through, because apparently this huge store can't afford a web designer/web management department to link their registry stuff to their online page.  Whatever.  I read the email stating that "you may be eligible to receive a FREE Senseo coffemaker!".  Given my mood, and that I have Always wanted one but never bought it nor would register for one because it is a Weird Gift No One Will Buy Me and Too Expensive to Rationalize Adding Along With the KitchenAid Mixer, I decide this may be worth 5 minutes and potential junk mail.  I fill out the survey.  I mention that I have a blog, that I usually talk to people about the stuff I buy, etc.

A week later I get an email stating that I am ELIGIBLE and all I have to do to get my Senseo coffeemaker is to go give them my shipping address.  So I do, and am told I will receive my coffeemaker in 3-4 weeks.  I think, well, even if I don't get it, this was fun.  But I hope, and I wait.

Four weeks later, expecting my awesome awesome shoes that Sloth gave me advice on buying from Zappos.com for my wedding, I get a package and think, "Zappos.com doesn't ship DHL.  And this is a big box for those sandals I bought."  I realize with bated breat that this... this is my new Senso coffeemaker!

So I open the box... and proceed to dance around the kitchen.  New toy new toy new toy new toy! 

So I've had it for about a week now.  It is GREAT.  Great with a capital G.  I LOVE it with a capital L.  It makes coffee that tastes just like the stuff I had in Switzerland (best... coffee...ever) with the fun frothy coffee froth, minus the cute little white porcelain cup and cute mini spoon (note to self, register for these).  It also makes tea - Tetley conveniently makes tea bags that are round and fit perfectly.  It makes great steaming hot water, like an electric kettle that is good for apple cider, etc. and measures out exactly the right amount for a packet - that is if I can FIND this in the grocery store this week.

So all in all, my advice:

GO BUY A SENSEO.

Or better yet, win a free one or get a coupon - comment and I'll send you an email with more information.

 

p.s. The sandals, they did arrive the next day in a giant white box marked "ZAPPOS.COM" and they are FABULOUS ...aside from the fact that they are too small.  So I am returning them, and in the meantime, ordered a pair in the next size up in the hopes that they will fit because I LOVE them with a capital L.  STUFF!  More Stuff!!!!

 

holding steady...

The existential issues of where I am at in life continue, however, I've realized I have a WHOLE lot of support to lean on if I feel overwhelmed. And cats to cuddle with as well, which, when you have cats to cuddle, what can't you deal with? Don't worry, I'm not turning into a cat lady or anything. I am just cat checking this week for a friend. Water, food, and a whole lot of play and loving every other day. Not a bad gig. It's therapeutic to say the least.

I have also started doing ceramics. Yes I KNOW I have 10 current crochet projects to finish, and I will finish them. I just like trying new things and being able to switch it up with crafts, or I get bored. Plus it's also therapeutic cause it gets me out of the house and in society, whereas I've yet to find a social network for the crocheting. I'm sure that is something which I'll do at some point.

Weather is turning in OH now. Some trees are turning color already, and it was COLD this morning. The heat actually kicked on in the house! Welcome fall...

ACHK!!!

I will focus on the many issues circulating in my head today. I have a few of them, and need work through them, so many if I go "BLERGH..." and just vomit them up it will help. Bear in mind the reason I am putting this out there is for the benefit of you, the non-scientists and the scientists alike, to learn what goes through the headof those questioning their science career track.

Before I get off tangent, know that I did see my group counselor leader today who recommended a colleague for me to see in therapy to deal with my anxiety issues, and signed up for an appointment with a psychiatrist for drugs- because they are all good and will help me out.

Now for the good stuff:

• I am questioning staying in science. I know I don't want to do research, and I have a questionable opinion of whether or not I'll get overwhelmed/frustrated/burnt out on teaching community college.
• I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get a job at a science museum - getting people excited about science and how it is relevant to them.
• I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get a job in public policy promoting science and science funding and research etc - I could really make a difference. The downside is that it may be high pressure. The other upside is that I could then get my feet wet in public policy and maybe run for president. How much would that rock - a sciencey president!
• Getting "just" a masters would allow me options outside of science, and if I wanted to do research - I would get paid better as a research scientist than a post-doc.
• If I leave science I can always come back.

sleepy goopy eyes

So sleeping pills are supposed to help you sleep.  I know this.  But I take them, and I still wake up at 4:30 AM.  WHY!?  i had to pee... that's right folks, I am 26 and my bladder is the size of that from an 87 year old woman.

 

The stress from juggling job, wedding stuff, my FRIENDS weddings that we have to to go (three this month and one next month), house stuff ( the front hall way walls are painted, now we just have to go after the trim!) has been so much that sleeping pills were warranted.  They are great, they knock me out right away so I don't sit there mumbling to myself about all sorts of irrational things.  However, I still wake up in the middle of the night for whatever reason, and can't manage to get the required 8 hours after taking them, so when I wake up after going back to bed post-wee hour wee, I am all snotty eyed and grumpy and not productive.  That being said, I should go actually work now...

oh the pain...

My brain hurts... I'm off and on writing this morning because I have NOTHING TO DO except write and read and plan and plan and plan. Grrr. I don't like feeling unproductive ever, even though I want to do things and can't. Grrr.

The good news is that I am getting a personal trainer - so I will have someone to regularly hold me accountable for my physical activity. Look out world... I'm on rollerblades and lifting weights. I may just go do rollerderby next week. ;-)

and the shameful shall not be judged...

So yeah. I know... totally HAVEN'T UPDATED IN FOREVER. (thanks for the call out ESC)

This is the thing... all my life is right now is work (which I refuse to blog about), sleep (thanks to the newest drugs prescribed to cure the stress-induced insomnia), and wedding CRAP.

Yes, you heard right. Wedding CRAP. I am so sick of silk flowers, bargain shopping for ribbon, and whoring myself out for 90% off craft supplies at Michael's. I spent much of Saturday dress shopping with my sister for her maid of honor dress - and we are both now sick of that particular chore. I bought so much CRAP to make more CRAP that I don't even want to think about it. But at least it takes my mind off the stuff I delegated away and can't do anything for. This is the problem with getting stuff done ahead of time. Now I'll just do my little crafty projects and then twiddle my thumbs for the next 9 months.

Blegh. There now I feel better. [sigh] Maybe I'll vent more often? Though I don't know how blogging about family would roll... that could be dangerous territory.

In other news, I have FOUR weddings to go to in the next three months. Shoot me NOW. If dealing with my own isn't enough right now... let's pile on more perfect examples to obessess about and see how she collapses! ARRRRRGGGGGggggg!

gotta go work. But more later. I proMISE!

what is UP?

The sky. I think. I can't seem to keep things straight up and down or sideways anymore.

I have become a Lowe's junkie. We went to the store TWICE in ONE WEEKEND, which makes the trips to Lowe's total for the week (since Thursday last week) = 3. The sales people RECOGNIZED ME by the third trip.

First trip Thursday night - new thermostat, and paint samples.

Saturday came. The heat came. The heat pump went. Before this happened I did not know what a heat pump was or that we had one. The repair guy came, with information and edumacation and a new fuse that fixed the heat pump, and the knowledge that we had the wrong kind of thermostat. We went BACK to Lowe's - new thermostat, more paint samples. I installed the new thermostat. AC! Hallelujah!

Sunday - again to Lowe's. More paint samples. And PAINT! We couldn't decide between light beige and dark beige (I know, aren't we adventurous?) to go with the BRIGHT BLUE FRONT DOOR! (HAHA!! See, we ARE adventurous!). So we bought a quart of each, and of the white paint for the trim and the blue paint for the door. I painted the door, and some of the trim, and some of the wall.

Tuesday - we primed OVER the already painted part of the wall. And around the trim, and the ugly wall... and the ugly garage/hall door... and the trim too, cause it's dark and will take LOTS of white paint to cover it.

Cut to this morning. The primer is dry but still smells. The dark trim is covered, as are the ugly wall, the ugly door, and the rest of the walls with doors in the entry way. My goal this week is to round out the week by use up the old primer, buying more primer, more paint, and finishing the entry way walls, doors, and trim. Wish me luck, and may the force of the scrub mop (also purchased at Lowe's!) be with you.

Birthday'ed!

I'm 26 now.  What a rush.

 

Went camping with the folks this weekend, and Steve got sick.  He's better now, and neither of us knows what was wrong, but I was scared not knowing what to do for him.  I suppose I should get used to that feeling huh?  In sickness and in health and all that...

 

The nice thing was that my younger cousins were there... these are the two boys who I have known since they were born and I love them like an aunt/older sister.  So of COURSE they are in my wedding.  :-)  I figured out the best way to do it was to give them each a very specific job - the older one is walking my mom down the aisle and the younger one is going to help pass out bubbles after the ceremony.  I am super excited that now they will be there on my big day, since I was going round and round who to invite, and decided I was going to just make sure the people I really wanted there had a job to do and would HAVE to show up.  :-)

 

Life in general is kicking my butt this week.  and now I have to go kick it's butt back... 'scuse me.

yEAAAAAA!!!!

That is the sound of one person's frustrations going unheard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This week has been extremely busy.  Strike that - this month.  Holy geez I've been engaged a month.  Wow.

This has definitely marked the beginning of a new phase in life for me.  Not that I'm done making my rite of passage into adulthood by any means.  It's just cemented all the feelings I was having before the ring went on my finger, and made me feel validated.  For some reason, I didn't think I should be feeling the way I was UNTIL the ring, but now I realize that my brain and heart were just following what was going on internally - the ring was just an external confirmation of the process we had already begun.

And so begins my lifetime/journey into learning HOW.  How NOT to be a nag.  How to be responsible to and for another person in this huge scary world.  How to take care of myself and my needs while at the same time honoring, respecting, and taking care of the needs of another.  How to remember to put dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink.  How to not let the laundry get in the way of spending time with my family.  How to let the little things mean a lot and the big things not oblate them.

Everyone has been great with advice:

"elope."

"Don't start planning anything for at least two weeks."

"Start dress shopping NOW."

"As long as you have each other to love, everything will be fine." 

 "Don't do it!" (a joke from his uncle, to whom the Fiance` replied - "You've met her, you know why I'm doing it!"  Ain't he great!?)

"Remember it's YOUR day - do whatever YOU want and to heck with everyone else."

What's funny, is that most of the advice we've been given (and I should say I, because somehow, no one ever thinks the groom needs advice...that's a whole nother post) surrounds the WEDDING and not the Marriage.  What I want in advice on how to have a good Marriage.  I mean, the wedding, after all, is just one day - the Marriage is the Big Scary Thing I am Worried About.  Now that we've both made the choice to commit to each other, it's a lifetime of choosing to continue and honor that commitment - and neither of us really knows internally what that means for us.  I mean, we're figuring it out now, and sure it will change with time.  So I guess it's one of those things you learn on the fly and keep learning as we grow old together.  That's my favorite image of marriage - old people on a swing, comfortable enough in each other to just sit and swing and Be together.  The big blank space for me though, is how to get to that point.  The mis sing piece of that picture is the past, the history - the experience of being married that I have trouble understanding - I was young when my parents were young in marriage, so I don't remember those early stages of their marriage as an example.  All I have is the end result - they'll have been married thirty years this year, so I suppose that's a good model.  Ah well... such is life - we learn as we go.

by the way...

Just in case you hadn't heard...

 

I'M ENGAGED!

 

That is all.

get that girl a straitjacket

Oh the insanity. I typed another wedding planning address into the "address" bar and almost clicked go, but stopped myself. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

~~~~~

In other news, reconcilitation attempts are being made with lost-touch-with-them-friends. Results are encouraging, and further work is being done to facilitate additional contact.

~~~~~

More blog, less whine
What to write about?? Lately, that is the question on my mind. I find myself wanting to write, but have nothing (seemingly) important to say. At least nothing I might regret later.

The good news is that I don't have anything to complain about. Since, you know, the inception of this blog was essentially to vent my frustrations about life in general. And lately, I don't have any. Work is good, the beau is good, the living sitch is okay...more importantly, I'm okay. No internal mental anguish, just obsessions about being stuck in neutral with regards to the pace at which I am moving through life phases as of late. And that's okay. I am making peace with the fact that I am a little slower in general, relative to the rest of the population. Not that it's a bad thing. My take on this is that going at a slightly slower pace allows me to savor those life events all the more. So excuse me while I go pour a glass of wine and enjoy life at the moment.

limbo limbo limBO!

So I've wrestled with whether or not to discuss the following topic here, since, you know, it would be "putting it out there".  Cause it's a big secret.  Oh yeah.  Then I realized that I don't really care who finds out, and only one of my "face to face" friends reads my blog anyway... and she already knows and will keep/is keeping it on the down-low...Here goes.

 

I have become obsessed with weddings.  I'm not engaged.  I've discussed marriage/getting married/wedding stuff with my boyfriend ad nauseum.  But no ring on my hand.  My parents know we are planning on getting married, as do some friends - my dad refers to it as an "eventuality".  Meaning, it's not official, but yet it is decided.  I have a wedding magazine hidden under my bed, and a strategically labelled notebook full of ideas and information I do not yet need regarding reception sites, etc.  I can't act engaged (bold becuase it's really and OFFICIAL...) because I don't have a ring on my hand, we haven't "Officially" announced it, but at the same time we are "engaged".  (with quotes, because it's not REAL...but it is... but it's not... oh, I'm confused...).

 

I'm in limbo, because while I'm preparing to give up my singlehood, trying to decide if I want to keep my maiden name, worrying about how we will pay for some extravagent party I don't really want, and caught up in the "fairytale" idea of having a dad-daughter dance... my lovely beau and I are caught up in the dance of picking a ring and waiting for him to actually really propose (even though, if we are at this place, then isn't it already decided?)  I feel slightly cheated because the I missed out on the romantic act of getting a proposal, but yet I wouldn't have liked not knowing it was coming...  It's like half of me is all modern/evolved woman but then rest is stuck in Victorian England... 

 

What the heck!?  Why and how did all these weird "old-fashioned" ideas get into my head?  I feel totally irrational, and I don't understand why.  I know this is a big transition.  I don't handle change of any sort well.  Perhaps just admitting this is a big change will help me cope - I feel like it is.  Then perhaps I can tackle the larger question of what I do want out of life for the future.

invisible woman

I'm feeling slightly invisible.  I realized yesterday that it's okay too.  I mentioned this to someone, and they asked why.  I told them - I feel ignored because I am being ignored either on purpose or by accident.  But then when they started talking to me about, I realized I didn't really want to talk about where I was at emotionally - being invisible is okay.  I just want to wallow about in this feeling for a little while.

 

In other news, the ballroom dance lessons I am taking with Steve are going okay.  I love him, but the boy has got a very poor sense of rhythm...but at least he (or the other guys) are not stepping on my feet...