Friday, December 29, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
My masters thesis defense/meeting is tomorrow. Please pray extra hard for me today and tomorrow. I am trying not to obsess. I am trying to go over what I do know, and refreshing my memory and keeping things straight. I am confident - I know my stuff. I am just a little worried that I'll forget that when I set foot in that room.
I just have to remember to pull myself together if that happens. I remember my candidacy exam, I feel apart when I didn't know the answer to something. It was all down hill from there. But the last time I presented, I didn't know the answer to a question. Some discussion ensued, and I had a moment to recognize I was losing it. So I took a deep breath, told myself to pull it together, and did. Then I finished the presentation and did well. So I KNOW I can do this. I deserve this! I have worked and worked and worked, and yea, I am not staying to finish my Ph.D., but at the very least, I deserve to be recognized for the work I have done!
Just breathe. Deep breaths. Try not to pass out or hyperventilate.
Friday, December 15, 2006
This year, though, there is more emotional and physical baggage. A LOT OF stuff going on. I am motivated to do everything else, because also on my floor/my fiance`'s floor are...
-) at least four loads of laundry (how I have yet to run out of underwear is a question of cosmic quantum mechanics).
-) about ten pairs of shoes
-) various wedding accessories
-) books books and more books
That, and I just finished my written masters thesis yesterday. My brain hurts. Time for some weekend celebrating...WHOOOT WOOT!
Monday, November 20, 2006
Finally home, she kicks off her shoes and heads straight for the shower. Anything short of scrubbing her skin off will help get rid of the stress of the day, despite the constant ringing of the cell phone.
She waits for it to stop. It rings again and again and again, then stops just as she’s exiting the shower. Just for that, she thinks, I’m not calling you back right away” as she sinks into the couch with a hot cup of cider and the microwave dinner she had picked up on the way home.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
So off to the market she goes. And there bumps into none other than ... this guy. This guy she knows... what was his name again? Brett? Brandon? WAIT...Brad. "You remember him... the tall, sandy blonde that ignored you in college? That agreed to escort you to that dance?" she says to herself. "Oh yes... just one of many heartbreaks/heartbreakers..." she muses to her self.
"Oiy! Brad! What's up!?"
Not much. Just moved here for a new job. What about you?
Working, as usual. The funny thing is that they never tell you that the work doesn't stop with college, it just gets more focused and pointless.
Hey, I gotta run, but it was good seeing you!
Yeah, you too. Hey we should totally get together some time... what's your number?
We should definitely ... my fiance` and you would really get along.
Uh, yeah. See the ring? (she blatantly waves the rock on her left hand... boys.)
In any event, they exchange numbers. Elan knows he won't call and doesn't totally intend to call him either. She'll pass it to her fiance` and tell him to call. Or to remind her to call - that will pretty much ensure that the call will never be made. Reconnecting with old crushes is not high on the priority list with a wedding to plan.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
I need to write more other than complaining. So now for your reading enjoyment, a short story... or a short part of a short story.
The sky was inky black. Aside from the faint glow of the street lamps. It made it look almost like a charcoal drawing, with extra color from pastels added into the scene.
The protagonist of our story stepped out into the warm fall and made the brief observation that it was certainly warm for November. What to do next? To the library for a brief jaunt through the periodicals section for an article, then home to some food... or to the store to buy more food... or what else she didn't know. She just new that after standing all day, and trying desparately to focus on what her hands were doing, she wanted to allow her mind to wander aimlessly. To let her mind call the shots and to cause her fingers to dance gingerly over the keys and let out the thoughts that, like her, had been trapped inside all day - away from the light, hidden in the basement, and kept away from the world. Perhaps allowing them to spill would lighten the load and free her focus to accomplish the things she was required to do (not necessarily NEEDED to do, because that might imply she would rather be doing those things than anything else...).
She stepped out. And let her mind wander with her feet.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
I have an interview. For a real JOB. Exciting stuff. Apparently, I'm good on paper.
In other news, saw the Psych today. Quick 30 minute appointment (actually 20, because even though I was there 8 minutes EARLY, we didn't start til 10 after 8.)... upped my dosage of Zoloft to 100mgs per day (I know, you care SOOOO Much about this...). In all, making progress. I have an intake appointment for individual counseling on Monday, so hopefully that will go well. I feel better, if that is any indication of progress.
I also bought THIS... to help with my ultra dry hands. It WORKS baby. Go buy some before the weather gets truly crappy and so does your skin.
Monday, October 16, 2006
YEE HAW!...Oh crap now I need to get a job. And no more parental assistance. Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap.... But I will be done with school! I can get a JOB. Doing something I LOVE (versus something that frustrates me to no end!)
Let the celebration of life change commence...
And... in light of that... today is the first day of the fall season I have worn a hat. My Ushuaia hat to be exact (see my flicker strip below right...).
More substantial posts later...
Friday, October 06, 2006
I finished chapter 40 of "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren this morning. WOW. I started it thinking, maybe this will help me discern my purpose in life - meaning, I would know what job to have, how to raise my kids, etc.
I realized after finishing this book (mind you, I finished the first 20 or so chapters, then came back to it...) that my PURPOSE is not the activities... not the job... not MY purpose. It's God's purpose. For me. So my life decisions are more about "will this allow me the freedom to fufill God's purpose for me in this life?".. and less "is this where I am supposed to be?".
This means a lot for me, since I am all in the midst of major life changes (school, getting married, having family move, etc.) and making decisions for what direction to take. There may be more than one "right place" for me to be that will fit into God's purpose for me. I just have to be open to fufilling that purpose, whether I know what it is or not. Right now, I am in the dark, and I know that is for a reason. Free will is what it is - free - so I have to make these decisions on my own. I've been praying for the Holy Spirit to enlighten me.
Or rather I am praying for God to open my heard to His word and the Holy Spirit. I have only had a few life experiences where I've been truly enlightened. As of late, I am realizing it's more about me opening up and listening to myself. When it comes down to it though, I truly believe that we all possess a certain amount of Divinity - we are all created in God's image and for His purpose - so listening very carefully, God can speak through our heart by raising the volume of that Divinity He put in us. That's what I'm trying to do.
Right now, I am realizing that though I am good at what I do right now, that there are other talents God has granted me with that I am wasting. So my goal is to not waste my talent - I was blessed with it for a reason. I was blessed with the talents I have (as developed or undeveloped as they may be) to fulfull God's purpose, and using the talents I have and developing the talents I have will help me do that.
So here's my mantra to help me remember my purposes for life: I have to live my life so that I can use my talents to the fullest, mazimize my openess to living my God-given purpose, and be the best person I can be by practicing my faith in my small, everyday actions and decisions.
Have a great weekend!
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Change freaks the crap out of me. I am contemplating a major life change, and the question I have is whether the risk is worth it. Will I be able to handle it better than I am handling myself in my current life? Or will I crash and burn? I suppose being absolutely miserable makes any options better than life at present.
Wish me luck...
Monday, September 25, 2006
Yeah. I know I sound like a retro song, but that is all I can do at the moment. You get opera when I feel better.
I started on meds last week. So far... nothing, except I noticed that I actually feel tired in the evening when it is time for bed, versus absolutely WIRED like before. So my sleep/wake cycle is getting fixed at least. Supposedly, I won't notice any behavioral or emotional changes for a few weeks. I have noticed I feel somewhat shaky... or rather more than normal if I don't eat. So I just have to keep an eye on that. Maybe a little more wired during the day? Don't know if that's the meds or the new coffee maker.
Oiy... I almost forgot.
I got a new Senseo coffeemaker... for FREE. Yes, I am so wonderfully great and a fabulous blogger that the Senseo people sent me a free coffeemaker. Well, er.. um. Here's the story...
~flash back to shortly after we registered at Macy's, when I was all jazzed on STUFF! More STUFF! That I will not buy but will receive miraculously! STUFF! Note that I am only now semi-recovered from the fine china-induced high of bridezilla-ness...~
I get an email from weddingchannel.com, where our Macy's registry is through, because apparently this huge store can't afford a web designer/web management department to link their registry stuff to their online page. Whatever. I read the email stating that "you may be eligible to receive a FREE Senseo coffemaker!". Given my mood, and that I have Always wanted one but never bought it nor would register for one because it is a Weird Gift No One Will Buy Me and Too Expensive to Rationalize Adding Along With the KitchenAid Mixer, I decide this may be worth 5 minutes and potential junk mail. I fill out the survey. I mention that I have a blog, that I usually talk to people about the stuff I buy, etc.
A week later I get an email stating that I am ELIGIBLE and all I have to do to get my Senseo coffeemaker is to go give them my shipping address. So I do, and am told I will receive my coffeemaker in 3-4 weeks. I think, well, even if I don't get it, this was fun. But I hope, and I wait.
Four weeks later, expecting my awesome awesome shoes that Sloth gave me advice on buying from Zappos.com for my wedding, I get a package and think, "Zappos.com doesn't ship DHL. And this is a big box for those sandals I bought." I realize with bated breat that this... this is my new Senso coffeemaker!
So I open the box... and proceed to dance around the kitchen. New toy new toy new toy new toy!
So I've had it for about a week now. It is GREAT. Great with a capital G. I LOVE it with a capital L. It makes coffee that tastes just like the stuff I had in Switzerland (best... coffee...ever) with the fun frothy coffee froth, minus the cute little white porcelain cup and cute mini spoon (note to self, register for these). It also makes tea - Tetley conveniently makes tea bags that are round and fit perfectly. It makes great steaming hot water, like an electric kettle that is good for apple cider, etc. and measures out exactly the right amount for a packet - that is if I can FIND this in the grocery store this week.
So all in all, my advice:
GO BUY A SENSEO.
Or better yet, win a free one or get a coupon - comment and I'll send you an email with more information.
p.s. The sandals, they did arrive the next day in a giant white box marked "ZAPPOS.COM" and they are FABULOUS ...aside from the fact that they are too small. So I am returning them, and in the meantime, ordered a pair in the next size up in the hopes that they will fit because I LOVE them with a capital L. STUFF! More Stuff!!!!
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
I have also started doing ceramics. Yes I KNOW I have 10 current crochet projects to finish, and I will finish them. I just like trying new things and being able to switch it up with crafts, or I get bored. Plus it's also therapeutic cause it gets me out of the house and in society, whereas I've yet to find a social network for the crocheting. I'm sure that is something which I'll do at some point.
Weather is turning in OH now. Some trees are turning color already, and it was COLD this morning. The heat actually kicked on in the house! Welcome fall...
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Before I get off tangent, know that I did see my group counselor leader today who recommended a colleague for me to see in therapy to deal with my anxiety issues, and signed up for an appointment with a psychiatrist for drugs- because they are all good and will help me out.
Now for the good stuff:
- I am questioning staying in science. I know I don't want to do research, and I have a questionable opinion of whether or not I'll get overwhelmed/frustrated/burnt out on teaching community college.
- I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get a job at a science museum - getting people excited about science and how it is relevant to them.
- I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get a job in public policy promoting science and science funding and research etc - I could really make a difference. The downside is that it may be high pressure. The other upside is that I could then get my feet wet in public policy and maybe run for president. How much would that rock - a sciencey president!
- Getting "just" a masters would allow me options outside of science, and if I wanted to do research - I would get paid better as a research scientist than a post-doc.
- If I leave science I can always come back.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
My brain hurts... I'm off and on writing this morning because I have NOTHING TO DO except write and read and plan and plan and plan. Grrr. I don't like feeling unproductive ever, even though I want to do things and can't. Grrr.
The good news is that I am getting a personal trainer - so I will have someone to regularly hold me accountable for my physical activity. Look out world... I'm on rollerblades and lifting weights. I may just go do rollerderby next week. ;-)
Monday, August 21, 2006
So yeah. I know... totally HAVEN'T UPDATED IN FOREVER. (thanks for the call out ESC)
This is the thing... all my life is right now is work (which I refuse to blog about), sleep (thanks to the newest drugs prescribed to cure the stress-induced insomnia), and wedding CRAP.
Yes, you heard right. Wedding CRAP. I am so sick of silk flowers, bargain shopping for ribbon, and whoring myself out for 90% off craft supplies at Michael's. I spent much of Saturday dress shopping with my sister for her maid of honor dress - and we are both now sick of that particular chore. I bought so much CRAP to make more CRAP that I don't even want to think about it. But at least it takes my mind off the stuff I delegated away and can't do anything for. This is the problem with getting stuff done ahead of time. Now I'll just do my little crafty projects and then twiddle my thumbs for the next 9 months.
Blegh. There now I feel better. [sigh] Maybe I'll vent more often? Though I don't know how blogging about family would roll... that could be dangerous territory.
In other news, I have FOUR weddings to go to in the next three months. Shoot me NOW. If dealing with my own isn't enough right now... let's pile on more perfect examples to obessess about and see how she collapses! ARRRRRGGGGGggggg!
gotta go work. But more later. I proMISE!
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
I have become a Lowe's junkie. We went to the store TWICE in ONE WEEKEND, which makes the trips to Lowe's total for the week (since Thursday last week) = 3. The sales people RECOGNIZED ME by the third trip.
First trip Thursday night - new thermostat, and paint samples.
Saturday came. The heat came. The heat pump went. Before this happened I did not know what a heat pump was or that we had one. The repair guy came, with information and edumacation and a new fuse that fixed the heat pump, and the knowledge that we had the wrong kind of thermostat. We went BACK to Lowe's - new thermostat, more paint samples. I installed the new thermostat. AC! Hallelujah!
Sunday - again to Lowe's. More paint samples. And PAINT! We couldn't decide between light beige and dark beige (I know, aren't we adventurous?) to go with the BRIGHT BLUE FRONT DOOR! (HAHA!! See, we ARE adventurous!). So we bought a quart of each, and of the white paint for the trim and the blue paint for the door. I painted the door, and some of the trim, and some of the wall.
Tuesday - we primed OVER the already painted part of the wall. And around the trim, and the ugly wall... and the ugly garage/hall door... and the trim too, cause it's dark and will take LOTS of white paint to cover it.
Cut to this morning. The primer is dry but still smells. The dark trim is covered, as are the ugly wall, the ugly door, and the rest of the walls with doors in the entry way. My goal this week is to round out the week by use up the old primer, buying more primer, more paint, and finishing the entry way walls, doors, and trim. Wish me luck, and may the force of the scrub mop (also purchased at Lowe's!) be with you.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
That is the sound of one person's frustrations going unheard.
This week has been extremely busy. Strike that - this month. Holy geez I've been engaged a month. Wow.
This has definitely marked the beginning of a new phase in life for me. Not that I'm done making my rite of passage into adulthood by any means. It's just cemented all the feelings I was having before the ring went on my finger, and made me feel validated. For some reason, I didn't think I should be feeling the way I was UNTIL the ring, but now I realize that my brain and heart were just following what was going on internally - the ring was just an external confirmation of the process we had already begun.
And so begins my lifetime/journey into learning HOW. How NOT to be a nag. How to be responsible to and for another person in this huge scary world. How to take care of myself and my needs while at the same time honoring, respecting, and taking care of the needs of another. How to remember to put dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink. How to not let the laundry get in the way of spending time with my family. How to let the little things mean a lot and the big things not oblate them.
Everyone has been great with advice:
"Don't start planning anything for at least two weeks."
"Start dress shopping NOW."
"As long as you have each other to love, everything will be fine."
"Don't do it!" (a joke from his uncle, to whom the Fiance` replied - "You've met her, you know why I'm doing it!" Ain't he great!?)
"Remember it's YOUR day - do whatever YOU want and to heck with everyone else."
What's funny, is that most of the advice we've been given (and I should say I, because somehow, no one ever thinks the groom needs advice...that's a whole nother post) surrounds the WEDDING and not the Marriage. What I want in advice on how to have a good Marriage. I mean, the wedding, after all, is just one day - the Marriage is the Big Scary Thing I am Worried About. Now that we've both made the choice to commit to each other, it's a lifetime of choosing to continue and honor that commitment - and neither of us really knows internally what that means for us. I mean, we're figuring it out now, and sure it will change with time. So I guess it's one of those things you learn on the fly and keep learning as we grow old together. That's my favorite image of marriage - old people on a swing, comfortable enough in each other to just sit and swing and Be together. The big blank space for me though, is how to get to that point. The mis sing piece of that picture is the past, the history - the experience of being married that I have trouble understanding - I was young when my parents were young in marriage, so I don't remember those early stages of their marriage as an example. All I have is the end result - they'll have been married thirty years this year, so I suppose that's a good model. Ah well... such is life - we learn as we go.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Thursday, April 06, 2006
In other news, reconcilitation attempts are being made with lost-touch-with-them-friends. Results are encouraging, and further work is being done to facilitate additional contact.
More blog, less whine
What to write about?? Lately, that is the question on my mind. I find myself wanting to write, but have nothing (seemingly) important to say. At least nothing I might regret later.
The good news is that I don't have anything to complain about. Since, you know, the inception of this blog was essentially to vent my frustrations about life in general. And lately, I don't have any. Work is good, the beau is good, the living sitch is okay...more importantly, I'm okay. No internal mental anguish, just obsessions about being stuck in neutral with regards to the pace at which I am moving through life phases as of late. And that's okay. I am making peace with the fact that I am a little slower in general, relative to the rest of the population. Not that it's a bad thing. My take on this is that going at a slightly slower pace allows me to savor those life events all the more. So excuse me while I go pour a glass of wine and enjoy life at the moment.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Thursday, February 02, 2006
The days are getting longer here. The sun was nearly all the way up when I left for work at the usual time (8:15 AM). Definitely made getting up to have a spare 15 minutes this morning all the more worth it. The royal* mood is also uplifted, which is always a bonus.
* For those of you that haven't figured it out yet, the "lady" part of the name is from a long-time royalty complex. Not that I act like a royal pain... all the time...
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
I had twenty dollars in a gift card burning a hole in my pocket, but have been saving for something I "need." I have everything I need. I've been a good girl and not splurging on non-necessity stuff lately. Yesterday that all came down in shambles.
I had a reaallllly bad Monday. I won't go into detail, mainly cause it was work related. It was bad. I was bi$%#^. I decided I needed to be good to myself, so I went to Target with my giftcard in hand.
It's amazing how much money you can spend on frivolous stuff when you allow yourself to do it. It started out innocently enough, with some new eyeshadow... I wandered around for a half an hour trying to find $16 more stuff to use the giftcard on...then I started on the crafty stuff (a photo trimmer I've been wanting for MONTHS and an exacto knife)... then fun stationary (funky square paper with bright colored stripes down the sides)... Valentine's socks... a bar of Ghiradelli (because good chocolate, like love, makes everything better...)... a copy of the new mag "Everyday" (with Rachael Ray! Oh thank heavens for the "garbage bowl"...)... organizer trays for my drawer at work (cause I'm sick of digging for my tape!)... no-budge headbands for working out...
I spent $40. Total. I spent $20 of my money, $20 gift card.
The beast is now appeased with lots of things to keep her happy in the next few months of gray days. Now excuse me while I go work in my fun socks for the rest of the day.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Friday, January 27, 2006
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
I have a friend going into the hospital next week. I'm not sure what to get to take into her - flowers seem cliche. I was thinking something to entertain her would be good, but am stuck for ideas. Trashy gossip magazines? Coloring book and crayons? Crosswords or wordfinds? A copy of the NY Times perhaps?
The new rec center was CROWDED yesterday. So crowded that every single locker was full - i had to scrounge around for one near the swimming pool. You would think with all the empty walls and space that they would have installed more lockers.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Friday, January 13, 2006
But yesterday evening was good. I went to my favorite store to spend some Christmas cash - $50 to be exact. Problem is, the jeans I needed were $40. Each. BUT - there was a SALE so they were 2 for $59. Great! AND I had a coupon, but you have to spend $75 to get $25 off - which meant I had to spend at least $16 more. Okay...ring up this tank top for $19.50. What? It's marked down to $9.99 you say? Oh. Well, I can't use a clearance item to cover the 6.01 difference can I... can I? You'll make an exception!? Sweet! Then here are these pajama pants (with martini glasses and vodka bottles) that were originally $30, marked down to $9.99, with an additional 30% off they come to $6.99. So I rocked the deals and got all that stuff for $50. And... the pants... duhn duhn duhn DUNH... are one size smaller than I was wearing. In fact, I could squeeze into a 16, but then I looked like two walking sausages and that's just not cool. But one size smaller is still awesome. So awesome in fact, that it has inspired me on to further weightloss goals... another 10 pounds by the 13th of Feburary I say! And so I embark on more stringent adherance to my Phase 2 south beach diet and start up an exercise plan this evening. Won't bore you with details, but know I will periodically celebrate any small victories.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Lots of people seem to be having lots of troubles lately. This is a general prayer request - just pray with me for all those people I am praying for this week.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
This isn't a new feeling. I've felt like I'm in a holding pattern since I started graduate school. I guess I feel like I'm in neutral, because I'm still rolling, but not necessarily of my own design. Life events, and results of experiments, keep happening, not as a direct result of my effort, but because they happen.
I'm waiting. I hate waiting for things to happen to me. It's frustrating to the control freak in me.
Monday, January 02, 2006
I am sick. Oh what a wonderful way to start a fresh year. Not totally icky throwing up sick, just the beginnings of a rather nasty cold/ear infection. Lots of drainage and phlegminess. I am so throaty sexy Lauren Bacall right now. ;-) But at work, that doesn't matter - I'm just trying not to contaminate my cells with my grossness. And now, before I head back to the bench...new year's resolutions (i.e. what I did wrong last year that I vow to do right this year).
1. Publish. Twice. Or at least publish once and submit once.
2. Not be whiny when sick. Have found this rather annoys the persons taking care of me.
3. Sit up straight more.
4. Not obsess about things I cannot control. Instead, I will tackle those things I can control as soon as possible, so as to take mind off of the former.
5. Do NOT let other people's negative/inconsiderate/non-compassionate/generally-annoying-and-or-rude behavior get to me. I realized part of this is that I wish I was myself less that way (whatever the annoying person's "way" happens to be...). Instead, I will focus on how I can model the behavior I would like them to have - this will accomplish the resolution and make it more about ME, since I can only change ME not other people.
6. Take more healthy risks.
7. Turn up the music and dance more often.
8. Do more random acts of kindness.
9. Start every day with a smile in the mirror and a prayer of thanks that I get to see another day full of opportunity.
10. End every day with a smile in the mirror and a prayer of thanks that I got through the day full of opportunity.