So I've wrestled with whether or not to discuss the following topic here, since, you know, it would be "putting it out there". Cause it's a big secret. Oh yeah. Then I realized that I don't really care who finds out, and only one of my "face to face" friends reads my blog anyway... and she already knows and will keep/is keeping it on the down-low...Here goes.
I have become obsessed with weddings. I'm not engaged. I've discussed marriage/getting married/wedding stuff with my boyfriend ad nauseum. But no ring on my hand. My parents know we are planning on getting married, as do some friends - my dad refers to it as an "eventuality". Meaning, it's not official, but yet it is decided. I have a wedding magazine hidden under my bed, and a strategically labelled notebook full of ideas and information I do not yet need regarding reception sites, etc. I can't act engaged (bold becuase it's really and OFFICIAL...) because I don't have a ring on my hand, we haven't "Officially" announced it, but at the same time we are "engaged". (with quotes, because it's not REAL...but it is... but it's not... oh, I'm confused...).
I'm in limbo, because while I'm preparing to give up my singlehood, trying to decide if I want to keep my maiden name, worrying about how we will pay for some extravagent party I don't really want, and caught up in the "fairytale" idea of having a dad-daughter dance... my lovely beau and I are caught up in the dance of picking a ring and waiting for him to actually really propose (even though, if we are at this place, then isn't it already decided?) I feel slightly cheated because the I missed out on the romantic act of getting a proposal, but yet I wouldn't have liked not knowing it was coming... It's like half of me is all modern/evolved woman but then rest is stuck in Victorian England...
What the heck!? Why and how did all these weird "old-fashioned" ideas get into my head? I feel totally irrational, and I don't understand why. I know this is a big transition. I don't handle change of any sort well. Perhaps just admitting this is a big change will help me cope - I feel like it is. Then perhaps I can tackle the larger question of what I do want out of life for the future.