what love can't make better...

As much as I want to write a great post tonight, I can't. I have to go write a summary on stress granules and Processing bodies. Yay. :-| So this will be a short but sweet one.

I need to write more other than complaining. So now for your reading enjoyment, a short story... or a short part of a short story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sky was inky black. Aside from the faint glow of the street lamps. It made it look almost like a charcoal drawing, with extra color from pastels added into the scene.

The protagonist of our story stepped out into the warm fall and made the brief observation that it was certainly warm for November. What to do next? To the library for a brief jaunt through the periodicals section for an article, then home to some food... or to the store to buy more food... or what else she didn't know. She just new that after standing all day, and trying desparately to focus on what her hands were doing, she wanted to allow her mind to wander aimlessly. To let her mind call the shots and to cause her fingers to dance gingerly over the keys and let out the thoughts that, like her, had been trapped inside all day - away from the light, hidden in the basement, and kept away from the world. Perhaps allowing them to spill would lighten the load and free her focus to accomplish the things she was required to do (not necessarily NEEDED to do, because that might imply she would rather be doing those things than anything else...).

She stepped out. And let her mind wander with her feet.

cha-cha-cha

So I have started applying for jobs. I found some cool technical writing jobs, some quality analysis jobs, some editor positions. Applied for them all.

I have an interview. For a real JOB. Exciting stuff. Apparently, I'm good on paper.

In other news, saw the Psych today. Quick 30 minute appointment (actually 20, because even though I was there 8 minutes EARLY, we didn't start til 10 after 8.)... upped my dosage of Zoloft to 100mgs per day (I know, you care SOOOO Much about this...). In all, making progress. I have an intake appointment for individual counseling on Monday, so hopefully that will go well. I feel better, if that is any indication of progress.

I also bought THIS... to help with my ultra dry hands. It WORKS baby. Go buy some before the weather gets truly crappy and so does your skin.

L8r.

hat day

So it is official. I have decided to leave graduate school with my masters degree at the end of this quarter.

YEE HAW!...Oh crap now I need to get a job. And no more parental assistance. Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap.... But I will be done with school! I can get a JOB. Doing something I LOVE (versus something that frustrates me to no end!)

Let the celebration of life change commence...

And... in light of that... today is the first day of the fall season I have worn a hat. My Ushuaia hat to be exact (see my flicker strip below right...).

More substantial posts later...

new life...

*Warning: this post contains highly contemplative spiritual and Catholic Christian content. If you are offended by the sharing of other's spiritual experiences, I encourage you to read on so you can actually comment that you are offended at the CONTENT (i.e. my opinions), rather than ranting at me for posting on a spiritual TOPIC.*

I finished chapter 40 of "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren this morning. WOW. I started it thinking, maybe this will help me discern my purpose in life - meaning, I would know what job to have, how to raise my kids, etc.

I realized after finishing this book (mind you, I finished the first 20 or so chapters, then came back to it...) that my PURPOSE is not the activities... not the job... not MY purpose. It's God's purpose. For me. So my life decisions are more about "will this allow me the freedom to fufill God's purpose for me in this life?".. and less "is this where I am supposed to be?".

This means a lot for me, since I am all in the midst of major life changes (school, getting married, having family move, etc.) and making decisions for what direction to take. There may be more than one "right place" for me to be that will fit into God's purpose for me. I just have to be open to fufilling that purpose, whether I know what it is or not. Right now, I am in the dark, and I know that is for a reason. Free will is what it is - free - so I have to make these decisions on my own. I've been praying for the Holy Spirit to enlighten me.

Or rather I am praying for God to open my heard to His word and the Holy Spirit. I have only had a few life experiences where I've been truly enlightened. As of late, I am realizing it's more about me opening up and listening to myself. When it comes down to it though, I truly believe that we all possess a certain amount of Divinity - we are all created in God's image and for His purpose - so listening very carefully, God can speak through our heart by raising the volume of that Divinity He put in us. That's what I'm trying to do.

Right now, I am realizing that though I am good at what I do right now, that there are other talents God has granted me with that I am wasting. So my goal is to not waste my talent - I was blessed with it for a reason. I was blessed with the talents I have (as developed or undeveloped as they may be) to fulfull God's purpose, and using the talents I have and developing the talents I have will help me do that.

So here's my mantra to help me remember my purposes for life: I have to live my life so that I can use my talents to the fullest, mazimize my openess to living my God-given purpose, and be the best person I can be by practicing my faith in my small, everyday actions and decisions.

Have a great weekend!

"three weeks"

Okay, I feel absolutely cruddy today. It is thundering and lightning, and I would rather be in bed. Not much longer til I am, so this is a quicky to let you all know I am alive, the meds are starting to kick in and kick my butt, and that I am absolutely scared out of my mind.

Change freaks the crap out of me. I am contemplating a major life change, and the question I have is whether the risk is worth it. Will I be able to handle it better than I am handling myself in my current life? Or will I crash and burn? I suppose being absolutely miserable makes any options better than life at present.

Wish me luck...

keep on, keep on...

Yeah.  I know I sound like a retro song, but that is all I can do at the moment.  You get opera when I feel better.

I started on meds last week.  So far... nothing, except I noticed that I actually feel tired in the evening when it is time for bed, versus absolutely WIRED like before.  So my sleep/wake cycle is getting fixed at least.  Supposedly, I won't notice any behavioral or emotional changes for a few weeks.  I have noticed I feel somewhat shaky... or rather more than normal if I don't eat.  So I just have to keep an eye on that.  Maybe a little more wired during the day?  Don't know if that's the meds or the new coffee maker.

Oiy... I almost forgot.

I got a new Senseo coffeemaker... for FREE.  Yes, I am so wonderfully great and a fabulous blogger that the Senseo people sent me a free coffeemaker.  Well, er.. um.  Here's the story...

~flash back to shortly after we registered at Macy's, when I was all jazzed on STUFF!  More STUFF! That I will not buy but will receive miraculously!  STUFF!  Note that I am only now semi-recovered from the fine china-induced high of bridezilla-ness...~

I get an email from weddingchannel.com, where our Macy's registry is through, because apparently this huge store can't afford a web designer/web management department to link their registry stuff to their online page.  Whatever.  I read the email stating that "you may be eligible to receive a FREE Senseo coffemaker!".  Given my mood, and that I have Always wanted one but never bought it nor would register for one because it is a Weird Gift No One Will Buy Me and Too Expensive to Rationalize Adding Along With the KitchenAid Mixer, I decide this may be worth 5 minutes and potential junk mail.  I fill out the survey.  I mention that I have a blog, that I usually talk to people about the stuff I buy, etc.

A week later I get an email stating that I am ELIGIBLE and all I have to do to get my Senseo coffeemaker is to go give them my shipping address.  So I do, and am told I will receive my coffeemaker in 3-4 weeks.  I think, well, even if I don't get it, this was fun.  But I hope, and I wait.

Four weeks later, expecting my awesome awesome shoes that Sloth gave me advice on buying from Zappos.com for my wedding, I get a package and think, "Zappos.com doesn't ship DHL.  And this is a big box for those sandals I bought."  I realize with bated breat that this... this is my new Senso coffeemaker!

So I open the box... and proceed to dance around the kitchen.  New toy new toy new toy new toy! 

So I've had it for about a week now.  It is GREAT.  Great with a capital G.  I LOVE it with a capital L.  It makes coffee that tastes just like the stuff I had in Switzerland (best... coffee...ever) with the fun frothy coffee froth, minus the cute little white porcelain cup and cute mini spoon (note to self, register for these).  It also makes tea - Tetley conveniently makes tea bags that are round and fit perfectly.  It makes great steaming hot water, like an electric kettle that is good for apple cider, etc. and measures out exactly the right amount for a packet - that is if I can FIND this in the grocery store this week.

So all in all, my advice:

GO BUY A SENSEO.

Or better yet, win a free one or get a coupon - comment and I'll send you an email with more information.

 

p.s. The sandals, they did arrive the next day in a giant white box marked "ZAPPOS.COM" and they are FABULOUS ...aside from the fact that they are too small.  So I am returning them, and in the meantime, ordered a pair in the next size up in the hopes that they will fit because I LOVE them with a capital L.  STUFF!  More Stuff!!!!

 

holding steady...

The existential issues of where I am at in life continue, however, I've realized I have a WHOLE lot of support to lean on if I feel overwhelmed. And cats to cuddle with as well, which, when you have cats to cuddle, what can't you deal with? Don't worry, I'm not turning into a cat lady or anything. I am just cat checking this week for a friend. Water, food, and a whole lot of play and loving every other day. Not a bad gig. It's therapeutic to say the least.

I have also started doing ceramics. Yes I KNOW I have 10 current crochet projects to finish, and I will finish them. I just like trying new things and being able to switch it up with crafts, or I get bored. Plus it's also therapeutic cause it gets me out of the house and in society, whereas I've yet to find a social network for the crocheting. I'm sure that is something which I'll do at some point.

Weather is turning in OH now. Some trees are turning color already, and it was COLD this morning. The heat actually kicked on in the house! Welcome fall...

ACHK!!!

I will focus on the many issues circulating in my head today. I have a few of them, and need work through them, so many if I go "BLERGH..." and just vomit them up it will help. Bear in mind the reason I am putting this out there is for the benefit of you, the non-scientists and the scientists alike, to learn what goes through the headof those questioning their science career track.

Before I get off tangent, know that I did see my group counselor leader today who recommended a colleague for me to see in therapy to deal with my anxiety issues, and signed up for an appointment with a psychiatrist for drugs- because they are all good and will help me out.

Now for the good stuff:

• I am questioning staying in science. I know I don't want to do research, and I have a questionable opinion of whether or not I'll get overwhelmed/frustrated/burnt out on teaching community college.
• I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get a job at a science museum - getting people excited about science and how it is relevant to them.
• I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get a job in public policy promoting science and science funding and research etc - I could really make a difference. The downside is that it may be high pressure. The other upside is that I could then get my feet wet in public policy and maybe run for president. How much would that rock - a sciencey president!
• Getting "just" a masters would allow me options outside of science, and if I wanted to do research - I would get paid better as a research scientist than a post-doc.
• If I leave science I can always come back.

sleepy goopy eyes

So sleeping pills are supposed to help you sleep.  I know this.  But I take them, and I still wake up at 4:30 AM.  WHY!?  i had to pee... that's right folks, I am 26 and my bladder is the size of that from an 87 year old woman.

 

The stress from juggling job, wedding stuff, my FRIENDS weddings that we have to to go (three this month and one next month), house stuff ( the front hall way walls are painted, now we just have to go after the trim!) has been so much that sleeping pills were warranted.  They are great, they knock me out right away so I don't sit there mumbling to myself about all sorts of irrational things.  However, I still wake up in the middle of the night for whatever reason, and can't manage to get the required 8 hours after taking them, so when I wake up after going back to bed post-wee hour wee, I am all snotty eyed and grumpy and not productive.  That being said, I should go actually work now...

oh the pain...

My brain hurts... I'm off and on writing this morning because I have NOTHING TO DO except write and read and plan and plan and plan. Grrr. I don't like feeling unproductive ever, even though I want to do things and can't. Grrr.

The good news is that I am getting a personal trainer - so I will have someone to regularly hold me accountable for my physical activity. Look out world... I'm on rollerblades and lifting weights. I may just go do rollerderby next week. ;-)

and the shameful shall not be judged...

So yeah. I know... totally HAVEN'T UPDATED IN FOREVER. (thanks for the call out ESC)

This is the thing... all my life is right now is work (which I refuse to blog about), sleep (thanks to the newest drugs prescribed to cure the stress-induced insomnia), and wedding CRAP.

Yes, you heard right. Wedding CRAP. I am so sick of silk flowers, bargain shopping for ribbon, and whoring myself out for 90% off craft supplies at Michael's. I spent much of Saturday dress shopping with my sister for her maid of honor dress - and we are both now sick of that particular chore. I bought so much CRAP to make more CRAP that I don't even want to think about it. But at least it takes my mind off the stuff I delegated away and can't do anything for. This is the problem with getting stuff done ahead of time. Now I'll just do my little crafty projects and then twiddle my thumbs for the next 9 months.

Blegh. There now I feel better. [sigh] Maybe I'll vent more often? Though I don't know how blogging about family would roll... that could be dangerous territory.

In other news, I have FOUR weddings to go to in the next three months. Shoot me NOW. If dealing with my own isn't enough right now... let's pile on more perfect examples to obessess about and see how she collapses! ARRRRRGGGGGggggg!

gotta go work. But more later. I proMISE!

what is UP?

The sky. I think. I can't seem to keep things straight up and down or sideways anymore.

I have become a Lowe's junkie. We went to the store TWICE in ONE WEEKEND, which makes the trips to Lowe's total for the week (since Thursday last week) = 3. The sales people RECOGNIZED ME by the third trip.

First trip Thursday night - new thermostat, and paint samples.

Saturday came. The heat came. The heat pump went. Before this happened I did not know what a heat pump was or that we had one. The repair guy came, with information and edumacation and a new fuse that fixed the heat pump, and the knowledge that we had the wrong kind of thermostat. We went BACK to Lowe's - new thermostat, more paint samples. I installed the new thermostat. AC! Hallelujah!

Sunday - again to Lowe's. More paint samples. And PAINT! We couldn't decide between light beige and dark beige (I know, aren't we adventurous?) to go with the BRIGHT BLUE FRONT DOOR! (HAHA!! See, we ARE adventurous!). So we bought a quart of each, and of the white paint for the trim and the blue paint for the door. I painted the door, and some of the trim, and some of the wall.

Tuesday - we primed OVER the already painted part of the wall. And around the trim, and the ugly wall... and the ugly garage/hall door... and the trim too, cause it's dark and will take LOTS of white paint to cover it.

Cut to this morning. The primer is dry but still smells. The dark trim is covered, as are the ugly wall, the ugly door, and the rest of the walls with doors in the entry way. My goal this week is to round out the week by use up the old primer, buying more primer, more paint, and finishing the entry way walls, doors, and trim. Wish me luck, and may the force of the scrub mop (also purchased at Lowe's!) be with you.

Birthday'ed!

I'm 26 now.  What a rush.

 

Went camping with the folks this weekend, and Steve got sick.  He's better now, and neither of us knows what was wrong, but I was scared not knowing what to do for him.  I suppose I should get used to that feeling huh?  In sickness and in health and all that...

 

The nice thing was that my younger cousins were there... these are the two boys who I have known since they were born and I love them like an aunt/older sister.  So of COURSE they are in my wedding.  :-)  I figured out the best way to do it was to give them each a very specific job - the older one is walking my mom down the aisle and the younger one is going to help pass out bubbles after the ceremony.  I am super excited that now they will be there on my big day, since I was going round and round who to invite, and decided I was going to just make sure the people I really wanted there had a job to do and would HAVE to show up.  :-)

 

Life in general is kicking my butt this week.  and now I have to go kick it's butt back... 'scuse me.

yEAAAAAA!!!!

That is the sound of one person's frustrations going unheard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This week has been extremely busy.  Strike that - this month.  Holy geez I've been engaged a month.  Wow.

This has definitely marked the beginning of a new phase in life for me.  Not that I'm done making my rite of passage into adulthood by any means.  It's just cemented all the feelings I was having before the ring went on my finger, and made me feel validated.  For some reason, I didn't think I should be feeling the way I was UNTIL the ring, but now I realize that my brain and heart were just following what was going on internally - the ring was just an external confirmation of the process we had already begun.

And so begins my lifetime/journey into learning HOW.  How NOT to be a nag.  How to be responsible to and for another person in this huge scary world.  How to take care of myself and my needs while at the same time honoring, respecting, and taking care of the needs of another.  How to remember to put dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink.  How to not let the laundry get in the way of spending time with my family.  How to let the little things mean a lot and the big things not oblate them.

Everyone has been great with advice:

"elope."

"Don't start planning anything for at least two weeks."

"Start dress shopping NOW."

"As long as you have each other to love, everything will be fine." 

 "Don't do it!" (a joke from his uncle, to whom the Fiance` replied - "You've met her, you know why I'm doing it!"  Ain't he great!?)

"Remember it's YOUR day - do whatever YOU want and to heck with everyone else."

What's funny, is that most of the advice we've been given (and I should say I, because somehow, no one ever thinks the groom needs advice...that's a whole nother post) surrounds the WEDDING and not the Marriage.  What I want in advice on how to have a good Marriage.  I mean, the wedding, after all, is just one day - the Marriage is the Big Scary Thing I am Worried About.  Now that we've both made the choice to commit to each other, it's a lifetime of choosing to continue and honor that commitment - and neither of us really knows internally what that means for us.  I mean, we're figuring it out now, and sure it will change with time.  So I guess it's one of those things you learn on the fly and keep learning as we grow old together.  That's my favorite image of marriage - old people on a swing, comfortable enough in each other to just sit and swing and Be together.  The big blank space for me though, is how to get to that point.  The mis sing piece of that picture is the past, the history - the experience of being married that I have trouble understanding - I was young when my parents were young in marriage, so I don't remember those early stages of their marriage as an example.  All I have is the end result - they'll have been married thirty years this year, so I suppose that's a good model.  Ah well... such is life - we learn as we go.

by the way...

Just in case you hadn't heard...

 

I'M ENGAGED!

 

That is all.

get that girl a straitjacket

Oh the insanity. I typed another wedding planning address into the "address" bar and almost clicked go, but stopped myself. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

~~~~~

In other news, reconcilitation attempts are being made with lost-touch-with-them-friends. Results are encouraging, and further work is being done to facilitate additional contact.

~~~~~

More blog, less whine
What to write about?? Lately, that is the question on my mind. I find myself wanting to write, but have nothing (seemingly) important to say. At least nothing I might regret later.

The good news is that I don't have anything to complain about. Since, you know, the inception of this blog was essentially to vent my frustrations about life in general. And lately, I don't have any. Work is good, the beau is good, the living sitch is okay...more importantly, I'm okay. No internal mental anguish, just obsessions about being stuck in neutral with regards to the pace at which I am moving through life phases as of late. And that's okay. I am making peace with the fact that I am a little slower in general, relative to the rest of the population. Not that it's a bad thing. My take on this is that going at a slightly slower pace allows me to savor those life events all the more. So excuse me while I go pour a glass of wine and enjoy life at the moment.

limbo limbo limBO!

So I've wrestled with whether or not to discuss the following topic here, since, you know, it would be "putting it out there".  Cause it's a big secret.  Oh yeah.  Then I realized that I don't really care who finds out, and only one of my "face to face" friends reads my blog anyway... and she already knows and will keep/is keeping it on the down-low...Here goes.

 

I have become obsessed with weddings.  I'm not engaged.  I've discussed marriage/getting married/wedding stuff with my boyfriend ad nauseum.  But no ring on my hand.  My parents know we are planning on getting married, as do some friends - my dad refers to it as an "eventuality".  Meaning, it's not official, but yet it is decided.  I have a wedding magazine hidden under my bed, and a strategically labelled notebook full of ideas and information I do not yet need regarding reception sites, etc.  I can't act engaged (bold becuase it's really and OFFICIAL...) because I don't have a ring on my hand, we haven't "Officially" announced it, but at the same time we are "engaged".  (with quotes, because it's not REAL...but it is... but it's not... oh, I'm confused...).

 

I'm in limbo, because while I'm preparing to give up my singlehood, trying to decide if I want to keep my maiden name, worrying about how we will pay for some extravagent party I don't really want, and caught up in the "fairytale" idea of having a dad-daughter dance... my lovely beau and I are caught up in the dance of picking a ring and waiting for him to actually really propose (even though, if we are at this place, then isn't it already decided?)  I feel slightly cheated because the I missed out on the romantic act of getting a proposal, but yet I wouldn't have liked not knowing it was coming...  It's like half of me is all modern/evolved woman but then rest is stuck in Victorian England... 

 

What the heck!?  Why and how did all these weird "old-fashioned" ideas get into my head?  I feel totally irrational, and I don't understand why.  I know this is a big transition.  I don't handle change of any sort well.  Perhaps just admitting this is a big change will help me cope - I feel like it is.  Then perhaps I can tackle the larger question of what I do want out of life for the future.

invisible woman

I'm feeling slightly invisible.  I realized yesterday that it's okay too.  I mentioned this to someone, and they asked why.  I told them - I feel ignored because I am being ignored either on purpose or by accident.  But then when they started talking to me about, I realized I didn't really want to talk about where I was at emotionally - being invisible is okay.  I just want to wallow about in this feeling for a little while.

 

In other news, the ballroom dance lessons I am taking with Steve are going okay.  I love him, but the boy has got a very poor sense of rhythm...but at least he (or the other guys) are not stepping on my feet...

tall short

The days are getting longer here.  The sun was nearly all the way up when I left for work at the usual time (8:15 AM).  Definitely made getting up to have a spare 15 minutes this morning all the more worth it.  The royal* mood is also uplifted, which is always a bonus.

* For those of you that haven't figured it out yet, the "lady" part of the name is from a long-time royalty complex.  Not that I act like a royal pain... all the time...

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

retail therapy tames the savage...

I had twenty dollars in a gift card burning a hole in my pocket, but have been saving for something I "need."  I have everything I need.  I've been a good girl and not splurging on non-necessity stuff lately.  Yesterday that all came down in shambles.

I had a reaallllly bad Monday.  I won't go into detail, mainly cause it was work related.  It was bad.  I was bi$%#^.  I decided I needed to be good to myself, so I went to Target with my giftcard in hand.

It's amazing how much money you can spend on frivolous stuff when you allow yourself to do it.  It started out innocently enough, with some new eyeshadow... I wandered around for a half an hour trying to find $16 more stuff to use the giftcard on...then I started on the crafty stuff (a photo trimmer I've been wanting for MONTHS and an exacto knife)... then fun stationary (funky square paper with bright colored stripes down the sides)... Valentine's socks... a bar of Ghiradelli (because good chocolate, like love, makes everything better...)... a copy of the new mag "Everyday" (with Rachael Ray!  Oh thank heavens for the "garbage bowl"...)... organizer trays for my drawer at work (cause I'm sick of digging for my tape!)... no-budge headbands for working out...

I spent $40.  Total.  I spent $20 of my money, $20 gift card.

The beast is now appeased with lots of things to keep her happy in the next few months of gray days.  Now excuse me while I go work in my fun socks for the rest of the day.

bad day

Gar.  I'm going to go swallow a pint of chocolate ice cream and do some retail therapy.  YEs, it was THAT bad of a monday.

Friday - ARGGGGG

Even though it is not officially... I declare today to be Talk Like A Pirate Day!

 

ARGGGG.

 

Just because it's Friday and I am tired and increasingly stressed out and sick.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

This morning I really realized the days are getting longer.  I left at my newly/usual time for work (~8 AM) to be here by ~8:30 AM.  The sun was rising.  Realize that over the past few weeks, it has not been doing that.  So I am VERY happy.  Part of my happiness is due to the fact that I am dragging my butt out of bed earlier, so I see more sun and get more done during the day.  I have always been one of those people who need sunlight.  I am realizing this more and more since my lab lacks natural light.  I've noticed when I'm here longer, I feel yucky just because of the lack of light.  Not necessarily because of the 12 hour day, but who knows what contributes to that feeling.

 

In particular, I am glad for more light because I am sick of winter and colds and my lymph nodes being sore all day long, all week long.  My body is constantly bombarded with microbial challenges (I work in a microbiology lab...duh this would be an issue).  I'm not sick, but I'm sick of my neck hurting because I'm not sick.  Owie.

 

I am also glad for longer days because people are happier in the spring.  Everything is a little "lighter" - strangers smile at you more when you go into a coffee shop for a cafe au lait.  Errands become more fun and less chore just because the sun is out and you are outside and have full locomotion of your limbs.

 

[le sigh]

 

I'm moving to France, where even when it's yucky, people take life less seriously and despite weird leaders, they have okay work/life balance systems.

 

my obsession

I have been to the gym M-F last week, did yoga on Saturday, danced around the house on Monday, and hit the gym yesterday.  So far so good on week 2.

 

Realized as I was all excited about hitting the cardio machines...my freebie little headset (that allows me to listen to the TV at the gym while I am on the cardio machine) is broken.  Poo.

 

Observed for a half an hour that given something lost, very few people seem concerned.  I found someone else's headset left on the ground by my machine.  I was on the machine for about 35 minutes, and NO ONE who walked by had stopped to check that it was mine and not lost.  I finally turned it in to the desk after I was done.

 

The new RPAC is always busy.  I was there at 9 PM last night and it was still hopping.  Usually, that is around when it seemed to die down in the old Larkins.

 

I need a nap.  It's only 9 AM and I need a nap.  I need to start working out in the morning to get my energy up.  Maybe I'll get some stuff started at work and skip over the gym at lunch.  :::yawn:::  Past that, I have nothing to write about.

gym rat

I've been to the gym on Friday, Monday, and Tuesday so far this week. I also count Saturday's grocery shopping as exercise. :-) Not bad so far. I just have to keep with it.
~~~~~~~~~
I have a friend going into the hospital next week. I'm not sure what to get to take into her - flowers seem cliche. I was thinking something to entertain her would be good, but am stuck for ideas. Trashy gossip magazines? Coloring book and crayons? Crosswords or wordfinds? A copy of the NY Times perhaps?


~~~~~~~~~
The new rec center was CROWDED yesterday. So crowded that every single locker was full - i had to scrounge around for one near the swimming pool. You would think with all the empty walls and space that they would have installed more lockers.

lay about

I realized this weekend, that I have WAY too many projects. I need to stop starting new things before I have finished my existing list (which is quite long). Mostly it is craft projects/home improvement stuff -i.e. making clothes, pillows, etc. Maybe if I focus on one thing at a time for longer than 5 minutes I'd get something done.

strange luck

So I'm having a bad week, you could say. But it's been getting better.

But yesterday evening was good. I went to my favorite store to spend some Christmas cash - $50 to be exact. Problem is, the jeans I needed were $40. Each. BUT - there was a SALE so they were 2 for $59. Great! AND I had a coupon, but you have to spend $75 to get $25 off - which meant I had to spend at least $16 more. Okay...ring up this tank top for $19.50. What? It's marked down to $9.99 you say? Oh. Well, I can't use a clearance item to cover the 6.01 difference can I... can I? You'll make an exception!? Sweet! Then here are these pajama pants (with martini glasses and vodka bottles) that were originally $30, marked down to $9.99, with an additional 30% off they come to $6.99. So I rocked the deals and got all that stuff for $50. And... the pants... duhn duhn duhn DUNH... are one size smaller than I was wearing. In fact, I could squeeze into a 16, but then I looked like two walking sausages and that's just not cool. But one size smaller is still awesome. So awesome in fact, that it has inspired me on to further weightloss goals... another 10 pounds by the 13th of Feburary I say! And so I embark on more stringent adherance to my Phase 2 south beach diet and start up an exercise plan this evening. Won't bore you with details, but know I will periodically celebrate any small victories.

SUH.

This is FREAKIN' AWESOME.

Wednesday quickie

It's Wednesday, so almost to the weekend. I have no desire to do any of the things at home I should do before the weekend. Just wanna go home and sleep, because all my weekends the past few months have been running,running, running.

Lots of people seem to be having lots of troubles lately. This is a general prayer request - just pray with me for all those people I am praying for this week.

life in neutral

Today I feel like my life is on hold.

This isn't a new feeling. I've felt like I'm in a holding pattern since I started graduate school. I guess I feel like I'm in neutral, because I'm still rolling, but not necessarily of my own design. Life events, and results of experiments, keep happening, not as a direct result of my effort, but because they happen.

I'm waiting. I hate waiting for things to happen to me. It's frustrating to the control freak in me.

hacky, happy new year

I am sick.  Oh what a wonderful way to start a fresh year.  Not totally icky throwing up sick, just the beginnings of a rather nasty cold/ear infection.  Lots of drainage and phlegminess.  I am so throaty sexy Lauren Bacall right now.  ;-)  But at work, that doesn't matter - I'm just trying not to contaminate my cells with my grossness.  And now, before I head back to the bench...new year's resolutions (i.e. what I did wrong last year that I vow to do right this year).

1.  Publish.  Twice.  Or at least publish once and submit once.

2.  Not be whiny when sick.  Have found this rather annoys the persons taking care of me.

3.  Sit up straight more.

4.  Not obsess about things I cannot control.  Instead, I will tackle those things I can control as soon as possible, so as to take mind off of the former.

5.  Do NOT let other people's negative/inconsiderate/non-compassionate/generally-annoying-and-or-rude behavior get to me.  I realized part of this is that I wish I was myself less that way (whatever the annoying person's "way" happens to be...).  Instead, I will focus on how I can model the behavior I would like them to have - this will accomplish the resolution and make it more about ME, since I can only change ME not other people.

6.  Take more healthy risks.

7.  Turn up the music and dance more often.

8.  Do more random acts of kindness.

9.  Start every day with a smile in the mirror and a prayer of thanks that I get to see another day full of opportunity.

10.  End every day with a smile in the mirror and a prayer of thanks that I got through the day full of opportunity.

 

 

two year blogiversary

The fifteenth is my two year blogiversary.

So because this week has been the week from hell, I'm celebrating now - YAY!

And updating on the week from hell:

1) Lab experiments are not progressing as fast as necessary. Some work, some don't work at all. There appears to be no in between at the moment.
2) Didn't make it home to visit fam this past weekend. Boo.
3) Was in car accident on Friday AM, which is why #2 happened. Yuck. No details. Just know I am okay, my car is not.
4) Found out today that the damage to car from #3 is so extensive, that they will total it out (i.e. Goodbye Vibe).
5) Realized today that I have no money (i.e. no downpayment for new car need due to #3 and #4), and am totally screwed.

Good things in the hellishness...as I am trying to take a "glass half full" approach:
1. I am okay - I walked away from the accident.
2. I have gap coverage insurance - which means the loan from the Vibe is paid in FULL by my insurance company, and I will not be several thousand dollars in debt.
3. Found out I can lease a new car for less than what I was paying on the Vibe, without a downpayment or first month deposit - so I can save the extra money for a downpayment on my next car.
4. I have the BEST parents in the world, because one found #3, and the other is who encouraged me to get gap coverage insurance in the first place - hence I am not totally screwed financially and car wise.
5. Lack of solidness elsewhere is lending itself nicely to refocusing efforts in lab, and I am slowly pulling my crap together - will hopefully get things done in due time. In fact, the things I was told to "focus on" a few weeks ago are pretty much done, except for minor details.

So bittersweet is the word of the day. Appropriate, since that is how life was feeling when I started this thing...

another fun hat for a super cold day

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Originally uploaded by LadyNicole.

It was 14 degrees Farenheit this morning in Columbus when I woke up. Brrr freakin' brr. Good thing I have my spiffy Agentine ski hat to keep me warm..."Fin del Mundo" - the end of the world. Ushuaia is the southernmost city in the entire world - that's where Steve left on the boat for Antartica. (and yes, he is back safe. Not warmer, cause it's only like 30 degree Farenheit there...).

Keep warm everybody.

why don't you have a seat? ... the holidays wil be right with you...

As I was ambitious (or annoyingly prepared) this year, it's Dec. 1 and I have:

-finished all my Christmas shopping, except for work Secret Santa and the group gift for my boss

-addressed all but 7 of my holiday cards

-written a witty yet informative holiday letter

-put up and decorated the "honkin' big tree" borrowed from my mom, complete with multicolored light design, garland, bows on the tips of the branches, and a LOT of ornaments.

-planned the holiday baking to commence this Saturday

So I'm ready for Christmas to be here already.  Advent is the hard part.  We wait... and wait... and wait.  Four more weeks.  Arg.  The thing I do like about Advent is the wreath -- lighting a candle each week helps make the wait easier - it's a visual reminder that we are waiting patiently for Christmas.  Plus it's a nice grounding point for reminding me what the holiday is all about for me - the birth of Jesus - that keeps me focused on the less commercial aspects of the holiday.  The tradition of hanging the tree with family ornaments and gifts from friends, the care and love I put into all the cookies I bake and don't eat myself, the quiet time spent with family.

Unfortunately, Christmas also brings up some not so fun memories as well, since it's the time of year when my grandfather passed away - he just held on past Christmas in 2000.  So it's been five years this Christmas.  Those memories are bittersweet though, because it wasn't an unexpected death - he'd been sick and avoiding most treatment for a long time.  So those memories are a reminder that life isn't a dress rehearsal - you can't just sit waiting for things to happen to you, for the transition from this life.  Although waiting patiently is a good approach for those things we don't have control over, you have to balance that with the willingness to jump in feetfirst to life's adventures that you do have control over.  To paraphrase a quote from The Ripples Project, I like to think he slid in headfirst to the next part of his existence, thouroughly used up, and exicited for the great ride he'd had - because it was a great life tha t he finished out.  That's how I want to go out - ready for the next great adventure.

Anyway... here's to the rest of the holiday season... 24 more shopping days!

more of the promised hats

11 your days are the worst

Gah.

Just for the record, I hate Mondays.

Going home now.  And YES I did get a lot done today, so it was semi-worth it.

double post day!

AND...It's four mini-day.

 

1 - Still beautiful fall weather in Ohio.  And I am stuck in the lab.  I will probably go outside for a walk in a bit, once I get work squared for a break.  This is what I like about having "flex time" except the part about having to come back after the walk...

 

2 - More hats please.  I need to make a hat for a Christmas present... any good beginning knit/expert crochet ideas?  I am also hoping to make a hat or two for myself, except not for a while.  I have decided I must make my Christmas gifts this year, since cash is short, and I have TONS of yarn to play with/use before any new crafty type projects are started.

 

3 - manicures are fun.  Had excellent girl's night with my friend S last night -- we need to do that more often ...mmm'kay?

 

4 - my back is totally all slippy today.  I had a chiropractor's appointment set for yesterday, but then I forgot it, so I had to reschedule for next week.  Hopefully this slippy vertebrae thing will help them slip back in place and STAY there before my appointment.  I hate being sick or worried about my body... it's distracting.  Keeps me from living life properly and happily and that is just NOT an option.  (p.s. the diet goes well, except for the occasional cheats.  I have hit a plateau and am trying to not cheat and to exercise regularly in the hopes that I will get off the plateau and head down a nice steep cliff.  Soon.  Like before the holidays.  Cause you know, it'd be great to go home and have people say "WOW you look great!" instead of "so when are you gonna finish with school?" as the first thing to greet me.)

 

Sorry about the delay for the hats. But I think the crazy blue eyed hat monster picture is well worth the wait.

parade of hats

For your viewing pleasure, this week I will entertain you with a new hat everyday.  Bear in mind, these are actually hats I wear in public.  Some are cool.  Some are not.  But mostly, they exist solely to keep my freeze-baby head warm.  I'm totally copying Sloth, as her parade of shoes/"it's HAT DAY" post has inspired me.

 

So um yeah.  Be prepared for some hairy pictures.  Haha.  Get it?  No?  Nevermind.  In any event, these... are the hats of my week.  The first one worn this week will be posted later this evening.  So come back.  Later.  Or tomorrow.  Or not.

 

GRUMPY mc grumpy pants

that was me this weekend.  For no good reason.  Well, the was a good reason... but it was totally biological and not an acceptable "good reason" for being mean to the Boyfriend and the Sister.  Thankfully, after extra sleep, I am better.  Not totally recovered, but Sane enough to bite my tongue as need be.

 

One of the main reasons I was grumpy was that I was at work most of the day Saturday and Sunday.  Now, normally, this is not a huge problem.  Except this weekend, I was here in the mornings and early afternoons... then had to COME BACK in the evening to finish up late time points/gels.  Which sucks, because whatever free time you do have in the afternoon is spent fretting over whether you will remember to leave On Time for the latter lab ventures to not get screwed up.  So I couldn't nap really, which was the plan.  I've edited the plan to include earlier bedtimes all this week in attempts to make up lost sleep.

 

In other news, I have a talk... at a conference at the end of the month.  My slides are almost done, except for one which I am still getting the data for this week.  I have a "practice" on Friday at 3 PM with my lab and our neighbors.  Which reminds me... I have to go book that room...too much to do in too little time with too little sleep makes Nicole a grumpy girl...

Thursday minis of scary stuff

 

1- I am convinced I will glow in the dark soon.  I've been radioactive three of the four days in the lab this week.

 

2- Apparently, elopement is not a societally acceptable option (according to the "wedding industry" at least... which makes sense because elopement is the financially sane option of the two and no economic industry wants consumers to be sane with their money... they just want you to spend it.).  JUST out of curiousity, I was perusing the wedding reference section at B&N the other evening (because I always peruse all the sections when I go in there, just in case something jumps out at me as useful.  SHUT UP I am NOT turning girly-planning-my-wedding-before-the-groom!).  One book on elopement.  ONE.  Out of a WALL of wedding planners, references, etiquette books, and "how to have a perfect wedding on next to no money (except not really)".  Sort of makes the idea more tantalizing, that it's not something everyone does.  Oh, wait.  Now that I said that, EVERYONE will want to do it to have the "unique" wedding.  So I take that back.  Back off wedding copy cats!  This idea's MINE.  Now I just have to find that pesky-as-of-yet-undetermined-who groom...okay, maybe I DO need to cut back on the wedding cake...

 

3- October.  86 deg. F.  In OHIO.  Need I say more?

 

4- I ache.  All over.  I am going to go home and have a nice hot toddy and read in bed with the door closed and soft jazz playing.  After I finish this last thing at work, which will take about... another hour.  Yea.  Gonna start something else to keep busy... just cross your knees I get home before 9 tonight.

 

 

 

 

blogging whilst working

Really... I have things running at the bench, and am breaking briefly.

 

Ack ack... papers in progress stress me out.  I'm just trying to work as efficiently as possible to get the experiments I need.  Rushing does not help me to get quality data, I have found.  I just take my time and get it as I do my work.

 

How does one dress for a horse show?  I am going to one (The New Albany Classic) this Sunday, and am not sure what apparel is appropriate.  Should I do "Columbus Suburban Casual" or "Dublin 20Something Who is Too Cool for Flip Flops"?  I think this may entail some shopping today... as a reward for a hard summers work.  And to see if I can fit into a smaller size shorts/crops, as I am already losing weight from my South Beach diet adventures (see above).

 

By the way, for all you football fans out there... GO BUCKS... BEAT IOWA!!

ch-cha-changes...

So I started the South Beach Diet this week.  Yah...I know "but you don't need to lose weight!"  "you're a stick already!"  Whatever.  My BMI is over 30.  I get winded when I have to go up more than 3 steps.  I have underarm jiggle and I'm only 25.  I NEED to lose weight.

The other reason, and the BIG one, is that I have a history of diabetes in my family... not to mention various cancers.  I am trying to a) reduce my risk for future illness; b) get my outside appearance to help reflect the inside beauty there is in me; and c) I feel pudgy.  I don't like feeling pudgy.  I've been overweight all my life.  I have accepted the fact that I have curves (which I love) and that I will never be a size 0 (I'm big boned, and darn it, I like being able to haul my own heavy suitcase, reach the top shelf with out a stool, and not having to worry about being blown away by a stiff wind.)  All my life, I've loved myself for myself, extra curves and all.  But when I feel pudgy, I have trouble doing that.  And I realized the other day that the short term satisfaction I get from downing a WHOLE bag of potato chips isn't worth a future of always wishing I didn't have this little belly roll of mine.

So far, the diet goes well... the first day was easy, the second was not.  Third was easier.  I'm eating well, and have yet to be hungry (except when dinner has to wait til 8 PM, which is a BAD idea...).  I think I've dropped about 5 pounds already.  I'd know for sure if I had weighed myself before the first day... I waited til day 3 to do that.

I'm also trying to clean my house of clutter.  At least my clutter.  And I'm trying to convince the Boyfriend to work with me to clean the Boyfriend's house of his clutter, as it has taken over and I can't stand it any more.  Stacks upon stacks is deemed a proper filing system at both our houses, to the effect that when I or he needs to find something, it is nearly impossible.  And we both end up cleaning like mad before anyone can actually come over.  I'm on a mission, and flylady.net is helping.  What's funny, is that I am the opposite of that at work.  All my data is meticulously kept in color coded notebooks with dividers, read papers are filed, I keep a computer file of all references, and I label/colorcode the bejeebers out of all experiments.  I think by the time I get home I'm so exhausted from it that I blow off cleaning/laundry/bills, etc. 

Here's to the babysteps to turn this life o'mine around.

sucker bet

I bet my boyfriend of a year and 5 months that his mom will ask me, with in the next two months, about us getting engaged.  I only bet him a quarter, but I think I'm going to win.  Ahahahah... Sucker!  :-)

flickr

Long time no blog. Quickie updates since last post:

Back from NYC.

Started Flickr account (I love it! But will not post all pics as public, so if you want the good stuff, sign me up as a contact).

Have posted NYC pics.

Have large plans to scrapbook all existing pictures that are not scrapbooked. That's a lot of pictures.

At standstill on experiments. Darn cells don't want to expand!

Have started working on review article(s). Wrote outlines for two different topics, am exploring both to get started filling in the outlines.

And that's all folks...

From far above

IMG_0003
Originally uploaded by LadyNicole.

Where am I?

Reason no. 2 I shouldn't complain

IMG_0050
Originally uploaded by LadyNicole.

Why sleep deprivation is worth it

IMG_0037
Originally uploaded by LadyNicole.

cookies to the person who can name the city...

fun at the conference -- four minis

I'm at the conference. I am tired. I am overwhelmed. I have spent the past two days -- save sleeping and showering and about two hours this morning -- straight on work, with my boss and the most gungho member of our lab. I need a break. Please send support vibes and hug vibes my way.

In more positive news, several of the people I've talked to have expressed interest in my work. Which is cool. :-) Makes it worth it. And my boss is talking about review articles... so I'm on the hunt for a good idea this week here at the conference to get a focus area for it. Wish me luck.

They have freakin' swans on the harbor. How cool is that?

Did you know you can by DNA jeans? Hahahahahahah... Go to http://www.cshl.edu and find the DNA Stuff Store for the link. I'm too lazy.

Monday mini

Don't you love it when you have a big project... just... about... done... and the computer decides to chomp on your Zip drive (SHUT up... the stupid printing service here requires you save your file to a Zip... I know they are outdated, but so are all the computers at work with any equipment on them because we are all too cheap to replace a PC that only has a stupid scanner we use for JUST ABOUT EVERY EXPERIMENT...).  Blea.  Luckily it was also saved on the network drive and the computer hard drive.

 

p.s.  Sunday felt like Monday, so in honor of it being honorary Tuesday, I am doing two minis today...

 

I leave for a trip this week!!!  Going to a conference for work.  Should be interesting as, we are also going to stay a few extra days here, and bum around here, and then fly home.  I mean, what more do you need for fun than a wild and crazy Chinese guy and Google to help find stuff to do?

Friday afternoon aperitif

I don't know what the last word is really... it just sounding good with the alliteration for a mini post title...

 

1.  I'm frantically trying to pull my poster together for this meeting next week.  Have to have it to my boss today.  Yikes.  :-|

 

2.  I have my life back... except I have no life.  Last night, the high point was making french onion dip and being a couch potato.

 

3.  My car is becoming a waste dump.  You know its bad when strange smells start.   Eew.

 

4.  New underwear rocks.  Need I say more?  = )

 

5.  It's FRIDAY... again, need I say more?

 

 

Ack ack!

Oh ... my ... you have to go read EvilScienceChick's most recent post.  Go ... go now!  Now you will know the depths that we graduate students must sink to in order to appease the great and powerful dissertation requirements!

What I have learned since finishing my candidacy exam...

1.  Ignoring your friends for four months and then waking up to realize you have no friends and no one to celebrate with is a very, very bad thing.

 

2.  You CANNOT just pick up where you left off when you cut yourself out for four months.

 

3.  Break, what break?  You don't get a break!  Sleep... who told you that you'd get to sleep now?  It only gets worse honey!

4.  The idea of not having classes or seminars is a good one.  The reality of it is a different story.

 

5.  Paperwork is bad.  Red tape is bad.  Graduate school is really a test to see how well you handle both.

 

6.  Writing a paper is good.  Posters are even better.

 

7.  The weather of the real world is not to be considered comfortable.  Not after spending your existence cooped up in airconditioning continuously for four months.  I have switched from being a freeze baby to being continuously hot.  I can't get enough AC.  Good bye normal body functions... hello freezer!

 

and the last and my personal favorite...courtesy of a friend

 

8.  Finishing your candidacy is like getting out of prison... it's great, except now you have to start over again!

big day minis

1. Today is the wrap up of my candidacy. 9-11 AM. Two hours... as of now, it's T-minus 3 hours and 24 minutes til its over. I want to get started to get it over faster. Please send good vibes my way if you read this before the 11 o'clock hour is done!

2. My boyfriend is wonderful, but he is messy and sneaky about it. I came in through the front door for the first time in several weeks and saw the mess I HAD missed by coming in through the garage. He decided perhaps it is a good idea that I keep coming in through the garage.

3. How is it that nervous stomach makes you productive? I was awake at 5 AM, but stayed in bed til the alarm at 6:30. I'm now at work at ... 7:37 AM as of now... and rip raring to go. I guarantee however, that I will have crashed by 4:30 PM today.

::UPDATE:: I passed my general exam. Yay! ***POP*** Blogsville champagne for everyone! (Even me, even though I'm working with radioactivity today).

Thursday morning mini

Since it is the fourth day of the week (by my Catholic-trained count)...Here's four lovely mini's for you.

 

1.  I read the other day, in a great book at Borders that I can't remember the name of, that Jaqueline Kennedy popularized the miniskirt by beeing seen in one at lunch.  How cool is that?  I already loved her style... who knew she was funky too?

 

2.  Thursday is one day away from the weekend.  [le sigh]  I am super tired and ready for a weekend free from lab work...

 

3.  An orange fusion new Pontiac G6 GT with panoramic sunroof is my new favorite ride.

 

4.  My mom's birthday is this Saturday.  ::: waves madly ::: HI MOM!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

 

limbo ending

I'm scheduling my re-evaluation for my candidacy. Wish me luck as I enter the "review everything I know and ever ever learned or think I should/might know" phase of limbo. Prayers, thoughts, general good vibes, and, of course, any free food as brain sustenance are greatly appreciated.

In other news... my body has finally decided I need to stop and take a break. After general back "compression" and discomfort, I woke up Monday morning (after a weekend of laziness/study) not being able to move my head. At all. Well, that's an exaggeration. This is my range of movement without pain as of Monday morning (let me tell you, driving in rush hour while having to actually turn my whole body to check my blindspot was a TREAT)....and below is my range of movement now... after 1 visit to the chiropractor.


I go back to the chiropractor today... in about a hour. She's going to adjust my cervical spine and thoracic spine to help correct some of the problem. Initial evaluation is that I have bad posture (duh). I like this doc... she's young, she knows her stuff, and I wonder why I didn't go to a chiropractor before. She's a chiropractor/nutritional counsultant, which means she's all about the holistic medicine and supplements. Appropriately, the practice is called "Healing from Within". Right up my alley. So I feel better today, just knowing I went to the right place. This feeling is after realizing my last physical was four years ago... all the doc visits as of late have been for specific things, not general check ups. After answering all the "general health" questions, I realized I do have a lot of abnormal things going on ... But not having my standard doc at the health center actually ASK me about them, I fail to think about them hence me not bringing them up. In any event.... I feel better. Which is good, considering my body has got to carry me through about two more weeks of stress yet and support my brain function yet!

Science...Whee!!!

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making time...

So I'm finally getting in the habit of taking 10 minutes or so in the morning... just for me.  I make my coffee, sit down with an inspirational book/bible study, and focus on myself and my spiritual/emotional growth.

This is a big step for me, because my days are usually filled with work to meet someone else's deadline, errands to get something or other done, going places, making sure to do such and such for so and so.  Taking 10 minutes in the morning starts me off on the right, non-flustered foot.

Today's inspirational question was: What practical choices will you make today that will bring you deeper intimacy with God?  This is the first out of 11 questions in this book (that I've read so far, there are more...) that I've been stumped on.  I mean, I usually don't associate "practical decisions" and "spiritual growth".  I don't consider faith a "practical" choice per se... it's a "rational" choice, in that it makes sense to me with regards to my everyday emotional health and eternal destination, but "practical"?

It isn't "practical" to have to take an extra ten minutes for prayer and contemplation when I could be sleeping.  It isn't "practical" for someone living on a fixed income to donate to her parish/local charities.  It isn't "practical" for someone who has no free time to cram even more activity into her day to help others, to contribute her talents, to be a good and kind and semi-altruistic* person.  *I say semi-altruistic because true altruism is a myth... even if you don't "get" something out of your behavior, you get a good feeling and that counts as something...*

It is, however, rational to do all of those things, if you live a faith-based existence.  I have faith that living a life modeled after Christ will ultimately do me good.  That I will end up at "home" as many Christians say.  At the very least, taking Pasquale's wager will give you a shot at heaven, and if there isn't anything past this life, then you lived as a good and kind person who will be remembered fondly and leave a positive legacy and mark upon this world after you are gone.

I firmly believe in God the Father, maker of heaven and earth, and in Jesus Christ, His only son, our Lord... and I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy Catholic Church, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting (e.g. heaven).  (If you want more information on what a Catholic believes go read the Catechism, the teachings of the Catholic Church, online.  You can't say we're not technologically with the times!)

In any event, trying to reconcile my faith as a "practical" decision is a challenge.  I suppose, if it is concerning my everlasting end, that any choice I make towards that end is a practical choice, irregardless of its practicality in the here and now.  So today I make the practical decision to incorporate prayer and contemplation into my daily routine.  I make the practical decision to SLOW down and enjoy the rehearsal that is life, so that I don't miss the moments when God makes His presence known.

Here's to Pascal...

little things...

You know you're really hot when:

you can go to the Starbucks drive-through in your dirty car, with yesterday's makeup still on your face, on a Monday morning, with semi-bad hair, and STILL the following happens...

as the barista guy hands you your refilled mug and he says with a hopeful and very nice smile "don't worry about it, it's on me today."

[blush]  Thanks Starbucks Guy... I'm not ashamed to say that you made my week.  ;-)

3rd Year Student Seminar Presentation

I nailed it.  That is all.  :-)

(now on to finishing my candidacy exam, recycling the same talk for two more seminars, cloning a new set of mutants into my splice reporter system, sleeping, soaking my now hurt and blistered feet -- darn power heels! -- and trying to continue the trudgery that is GRADUATE SCHOOL...)

p.s.  The best part of getting my talk done the first week of the quarter, is that I "set the bar" with my "nice graphics"... and now I get to sit back and just ask questions of my classmates all quarter... MY LAST QUARTER of student seminar.  Yippee!!!

head out of sand

Gotta love lab mates.  I rewrote my stupid stupid exam... and had one read it.  "It reads really well."  Only minor comments.  I am not an idiot after all.  Emailed it to my advisor, who is out of town til Friday.  I am going home to take a nap now, then work out later.

Day 1 of the rest of it all

My big new experiment kinda worked.  Well, the controls worked.  And I got the result I expected -- not as fantastically beautious as I wanted, but it's headed in the right direction.  In my line of work, things don't always work they way you want them to, or ever for that matter.  You have to learn to be flexible, to analyze every angle, to not fall in love with the results you think you want -- because they may not be right, or possible, or whatever.

I'm learning to not be a perfectionist.  To focus more on the progress I have made/am making.  This has been a LONG journey and one I am constantly reminded throughout that it's about choices and how I react to things.

A lot of this has been applied to my life in the past year.  About a year ago, I was starting to realize I wasn't happy... that I felt as though my choices had been made for me or that I had made the wrong choice.  In retrospect, I didn't take responsiblity for my choices up til that point.

I have learned...

thinking things over and over doesn't make it any easier to take that first decision/action.

having even a little bit of faith in yourself changes everything.

all the people in the world aren't out to get you.

asking for what you want is the only way to get it.

realizing that you deserve to be happy is the first step to being happy.

figuring out what you want to be happy is the second step to being happy.

 

I do have to give credit to two of my friends for the roles the Big Guy Upstairs had them play to get me what I needed in my searching...

My friend Fonda gave me a lot of support right when I needed it.  I didn't have have anyone to really talk to about my life at that point, because I had so little time to build friendships.  She also gave me a great self-help book that I finished in three days. 

Steve... well, he was around.  A lot.  He started to become my friend and didn't place any expectations on me in our friendship.  I had NEVER had that happen to me before.  And he also let me know he cared about me -- not in a romantic way or anything.  He called me on New Year's eve when I was running late for a party my "gang" was to be at.  "Where are you?  Are you still coming?  Why are you late?  When are you going to get here?"  Bear in mind two things: 1) I don't usually run late.  2)  Steve very very rarely gets worked up about anything in a negative or positive way.  So it was pretty obvious that he cared if I showed up that night or not.  Up til that point, I figured he could have cared less, and that the only reason we really were hanging out was convenience (which didn't bother me because, hey, when your idea of a good time is staying up til 4 in the morning to make fun of "Elimadate" contestant
s, there aren't many people to share that with...).  So it was pretty significant to have someone actually care, let alone someone whom I was pretty sure didn't.

Shortly after that, I started living my life like I deserved happiness, success, love, and whatever else I wanted.  And I worked toward getting the things I thought would get me in the right direction.  I got some of them.  I grew up.  A LOT.  I'm still not perfect... but I'm headed in the right direction...

I am so NOT a loser!

*GRAD SCHOOL UPDATE*
Presented my poster today at the Cancer Center meeting with success.  Didn't win a prize, but didn't make a total fool myself either.  My advisor said I did well, so as far as I'm concerned, that's success.

Thoughts
I think I will post tomorrow... but thanks to AJ for a great shout out.  It's nice to be mentioned.  :-)  Check out his blog on my blogroll --->

Of rubber cement and sealing wax

Thoughts
When I get down, I try to take better care of myself.  Today I slept in, painted my nails, got coffee and a bagel from my favorite shop (Brewsters in Upper Arlington), and checked out my favorite blogs.  All before 10:30.  I'm a-doing good at taking care of myself.

Rantings
When it is so obvious that I have tons to do on talk slides and posters, why can't I seem to get crackin'?  It's the starting that's holding me up.  So I've started.  And rewarded myself by blogging... now back to work.  {CRACK}  TYPE TYPE!!!  {CRACK}

Musings

I wish it were easier to keep in touch with people.  I called my best gal pal from college (whose wedding I'm going to be in in May) last night after realizing I hadn't spoken to her in over a month.  Why?  Because I don't get home before 10 PM, by which time most proper people are in bed.  I don't call people on the weekends because I am too busy -- scratch that, I don't make time.  I must not lament things that are not my fault.  But you would think in an age of quick email and even more convenient cell phones, I would be better connected -- and I'm not.  I always did better with pen and paper letters.  I love the feel of a hefty pen with smooth ink in my hand as I jot line after line of updating amusement for a friend.  Perhaps tonight I will catch up on my letter writing.  I have loads of stationary to use and a new book of stamps to send on their merry way.  Yes, I think I shall retire to my desk with pens and&n
bsp;paper and sealing wax.  I shan't forget ye though... perchance my old school writing will inspire better things to flow via the keyboard.  Let's take a chance shall we?

oh but for the life I lead...I'd be a happy and contented lass

See this... ;-( This is my frustrated yet determined face.

I got my comments back from my advisor and two of three committee members. "good writing overall" "imaginative idea".

BUT... "significant typos" "superficial" "lack of detail"

[sigh] The good news is I get a second chance -- revisions due to my advisor on Wednesday. Revisions on the order of "ready to send out to your committee" revisions. I'll be working hard this week and weekend... no more blogging for me til it's done ...wish me luck!

Of rubber cement and sealing wax

Thoughts
When I get down, I try to take better care of myself. Today I slept in, painted my nails, got coffee and a bagel from my favorite shop (Brewsters in Upper Arlington), and checked out my favorite blogs. All before 10:30. I'm a-doing good at taking care of myself.

Rantings
When it is so obvious that I have tons to do on talk slides and posters, why can't I seem to get crackin'? It's the starting that's holding me up. So I've started. And rewarded myself by blogging... now back to work. {CRACK} TYPE TYPE!!! {CRACK}

Musings
I wish it were easier to keep in touch with people. I called my best gal pal from college (whose wedding I'm going to be in in May) last night after realizing I hadn't spoken to her in over a month. Why? Because I don't get home before 10 PM, by which time most proper people are in bed. I don't call people on the weekends because I am too busy -- scratch that, I don't make time. I must not lament things that are not my fault. But you would think in an age of quick email and even more convenient cell phones, I would be better connected -- and I'm not. I always did better with pen and paper letters. I love the feel of a hefty pen with smooth ink in my hand as I jot line after line of updating amusement for a friend. Perhaps tonight I will catch up on my letter writing. I have loads of stationary to use and a new book of stamps to send on their merry way. Yes, I think I shall retire to my desk with pens and&n bsp;paper and sealing wax. I shan't forget ye though... perchance my old school writing will inspire better things to flow via the keyboard. Let's take a chance shall we?

The breakthrough

Thoughts
I have been worrying. I'm a third year graduate student. I have three talks to give in the next three months, my poster for the Comprehensive Cancer Center Scientific Meeting, and giving the same poster for the College research day. By now, I thought I had mastered doing multiple "assignments" at once, but now I find myself struggling with a) the confidence that I can and b)actually doing it.

Rantings
Why can't I just get over myself already? I know that I am not perfect, yet I strive to be, I push myself to be in every aspect. I set myself up for defeat, knowing that I cannot be perfect, yet I expect this of myself. Mostly because I think everyone else expects it of me. Very few people do expect it of me, when it comes down to it. So I think "good enough" will work for me for now.

Musings
I am toying with the idea of running away. Or, at the very least, waiting to "run away" until I am retired. I have decided that what I really want to do after I retire from sciency stuff is to run my own travel/tour agency. Where we take/organize fun trips that aren't too jam packed, that focus on the journey, and that include lots of out of the way spots and awesome hidden bite-to-eat experiences. Ultimately, it would be a small group type experience, which the tours never exceeding more than 15 people or so. This I think is a good idea, and is something that I could make a BOATLOAD of money doing and like it as a retirement "job." Plus, I do want to travel when I retire, so why not make money at it?!?!

What's in a name...

So I'm reevaluating this whole blog thing. 'Specially since no one seems to be reading. Perhaps I need to comment on other blogs more. I dunno. I always feel weird commenting, cause it's like this insider's club of people that all know each other and what not. I do know that it's not really on purpose that I feel excluded. But I do. Perchance I am a bit sensitive about this because it so frequently has happened to me? In any event. My goal is to get more traffic I suppose. More "feed-forward" comments. Part of it is my therapy sessions are being cut down gradually, I have neglected all my flesh and bone friends because of my candidacy, and I feel an urge to connect to all the fantastically witty people I have read via Blogger. [le sigh].

Suggestions are welcome on a new title. I am hoping to change it to something catchy, yet all my inspiration is gone with my energy -- sapped of me for the exam and my abstract and the 10 googolplex things I've had to do today and not work. :0( At least it's Friday.

Thoughts
I am lonely.

Rantings
WHY OH WHY can't I have a break. DARNIT!!!! I have worked my butt off to get one thing done, and I do it, and then it doesn't work, so I have to do it AGAIN. GRAHAHAHA.. I am so frustrated with myself for making poor choices in my work lately that have cost me so much time. I am rapidly losing confidence my capabilities, which is NOT what I need right now.

Musings
Champagne and a boy... what more do you need on a Friday night? ;0)

WHEEEEeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

**Candidacy Update**

I have printed my final copies... after having multiple heart attacks and using half a ream of paper...I even went to Kinko's and did color copies (because the color copier we have ran out of red ink).  So it's done.  I don't care if there are minor mistakes anymore.  I am done obsessing.  I turned in two copies to my boss's mailbox last night at 10 AM, as she's getting one and delivering another to one committee member.  I am delivering the other two myself today.  Whew.

Bought a bottle of champagne for tonight, and am going to use the special glasses my Tutu bought for me for Christmas to celebrate.  My quals are not completely done, but at least this portion, this milestone of the process has been reached.  That is an accomplishment in and of itself, and I think I deserve to celebrate.  So if you are so inclined, feel free to raise a glass this evening to hope, hard work, and seeing light at the end of a tunnel.  :0)

Thoughts...
I am SOOOO happy my proposal is done.  I made a big point to thank my boyfriend for his support... so now I am thanking all you in Blogland for reading my nutso entries and for writing stuff for my brain to unwind in.  Thanks.  :0)

Rantings...
When did it become humanly possible to do 8 things at once?  I mean I can multitask, but not that well.  [sigh] early days and late nights...the only way to fit it all in.

Musings...
What would I do if I wasn't doing grad school?  At this point, I can't imagine doing much else.  I might have ended up a PR person, or a writer, maybe an opera singer -- all things I thought about in college.  All things I still dabble in on occasion.  It's nice to have more than my work to reward me in life.