My big new experiment kinda worked. Well, the controls worked. And I got the result I expected -- not as fantastically beautious as I wanted, but it's headed in the right direction. In my line of work, things don't always work they way you want them to, or ever for that matter. You have to learn to be flexible, to analyze every angle, to not fall in love with the results you think you want -- because they may not be right, or possible, or whatever.
I'm learning to not be a perfectionist. To focus more on the progress I have made/am making. This has been a LONG journey and one I am constantly reminded throughout that it's about choices and how I react to things.
A lot of this has been applied to my life in the past year. About a year ago, I was starting to realize I wasn't happy... that I felt as though my choices had been made for me or that I had made the wrong choice. In retrospect, I didn't take responsiblity for my choices up til that point.
I have learned...
thinking things over and over doesn't make it any easier to take that first decision/action.
having even a little bit of faith in yourself changes everything.
all the people in the world aren't out to get you.
asking for what you want is the only way to get it.
realizing that you deserve to be happy is the first step to being happy.
figuring out what you want to be happy is the second step to being happy.
I do have to give credit to two of my friends for the roles the Big Guy Upstairs had them play to get me what I needed in my searching...
My friend Fonda gave me a lot of support right when I needed it. I didn't have have anyone to really talk to about my life at that point, because I had so little time to build friendships. She also gave me a great self-help book that I finished in three days.
Steve... well, he was around. A lot. He started to become my friend and didn't place any expectations on me in our friendship. I had NEVER had that happen to me before. And he also let me know he cared about me -- not in a romantic way or anything. He called me on New Year's eve when I was running late for a party my "gang" was to be at. "Where are you? Are you still coming? Why are you late? When are you going to get here?" Bear in mind two things: 1) I don't usually run late. 2) Steve very very rarely gets worked up about anything in a negative or positive way. So it was pretty obvious that he cared if I showed up that night or not. Up til that point, I figured he could have cared less, and that the only reason we really were hanging out was convenience (which didn't bother me because, hey, when your idea of a good time is staying up til 4 in the morning to make fun of "Elimadate" contestant
s, there aren't many people to share that with...). So it was pretty significant to have someone actually care, let alone someone whom I was pretty sure didn't.
Shortly after that, I started living my life like I deserved happiness, success, love, and whatever else I wanted. And I worked toward getting the things I thought would get me in the right direction. I got some of them. I grew up. A LOT. I'm still not perfect... but I'm headed in the right direction...