oh the pain...

My brain hurts... I'm off and on writing this morning because I have NOTHING TO DO except write and read and plan and plan and plan. Grrr. I don't like feeling unproductive ever, even though I want to do things and can't. Grrr.

The good news is that I am getting a personal trainer - so I will have someone to regularly hold me accountable for my physical activity. Look out world... I'm on rollerblades and lifting weights. I may just go do rollerderby next week. ;-)

and the shameful shall not be judged...

So yeah. I know... totally HAVEN'T UPDATED IN FOREVER. (thanks for the call out ESC)

This is the thing... all my life is right now is work (which I refuse to blog about), sleep (thanks to the newest drugs prescribed to cure the stress-induced insomnia), and wedding CRAP.

Yes, you heard right. Wedding CRAP. I am so sick of silk flowers, bargain shopping for ribbon, and whoring myself out for 90% off craft supplies at Michael's. I spent much of Saturday dress shopping with my sister for her maid of honor dress - and we are both now sick of that particular chore. I bought so much CRAP to make more CRAP that I don't even want to think about it. But at least it takes my mind off the stuff I delegated away and can't do anything for. This is the problem with getting stuff done ahead of time. Now I'll just do my little crafty projects and then twiddle my thumbs for the next 9 months.

Blegh. There now I feel better. [sigh] Maybe I'll vent more often? Though I don't know how blogging about family would roll... that could be dangerous territory.

In other news, I have FOUR weddings to go to in the next three months. Shoot me NOW. If dealing with my own isn't enough right now... let's pile on more perfect examples to obessess about and see how she collapses! ARRRRRGGGGGggggg!

gotta go work. But more later. I proMISE!

what is UP?

The sky. I think. I can't seem to keep things straight up and down or sideways anymore.

I have become a Lowe's junkie. We went to the store TWICE in ONE WEEKEND, which makes the trips to Lowe's total for the week (since Thursday last week) = 3. The sales people RECOGNIZED ME by the third trip.

First trip Thursday night - new thermostat, and paint samples.

Saturday came. The heat came. The heat pump went. Before this happened I did not know what a heat pump was or that we had one. The repair guy came, with information and edumacation and a new fuse that fixed the heat pump, and the knowledge that we had the wrong kind of thermostat. We went BACK to Lowe's - new thermostat, more paint samples. I installed the new thermostat. AC! Hallelujah!

Sunday - again to Lowe's. More paint samples. And PAINT! We couldn't decide between light beige and dark beige (I know, aren't we adventurous?) to go with the BRIGHT BLUE FRONT DOOR! (HAHA!! See, we ARE adventurous!). So we bought a quart of each, and of the white paint for the trim and the blue paint for the door. I painted the door, and some of the trim, and some of the wall.

Tuesday - we primed OVER the already painted part of the wall. And around the trim, and the ugly wall... and the ugly garage/hall door... and the trim too, cause it's dark and will take LOTS of white paint to cover it.

Cut to this morning. The primer is dry but still smells. The dark trim is covered, as are the ugly wall, the ugly door, and the rest of the walls with doors in the entry way. My goal this week is to round out the week by use up the old primer, buying more primer, more paint, and finishing the entry way walls, doors, and trim. Wish me luck, and may the force of the scrub mop (also purchased at Lowe's!) be with you.

Birthday'ed!

I'm 26 now.  What a rush.

 

Went camping with the folks this weekend, and Steve got sick.  He's better now, and neither of us knows what was wrong, but I was scared not knowing what to do for him.  I suppose I should get used to that feeling huh?  In sickness and in health and all that...

 

The nice thing was that my younger cousins were there... these are the two boys who I have known since they were born and I love them like an aunt/older sister.  So of COURSE they are in my wedding.  :-)  I figured out the best way to do it was to give them each a very specific job - the older one is walking my mom down the aisle and the younger one is going to help pass out bubbles after the ceremony.  I am super excited that now they will be there on my big day, since I was going round and round who to invite, and decided I was going to just make sure the people I really wanted there had a job to do and would HAVE to show up.  :-)

 

Life in general is kicking my butt this week.  and now I have to go kick it's butt back... 'scuse me.

yEAAAAAA!!!!

That is the sound of one person's frustrations going unheard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This week has been extremely busy.  Strike that - this month.  Holy geez I've been engaged a month.  Wow.

This has definitely marked the beginning of a new phase in life for me.  Not that I'm done making my rite of passage into adulthood by any means.  It's just cemented all the feelings I was having before the ring went on my finger, and made me feel validated.  For some reason, I didn't think I should be feeling the way I was UNTIL the ring, but now I realize that my brain and heart were just following what was going on internally - the ring was just an external confirmation of the process we had already begun.

And so begins my lifetime/journey into learning HOW.  How NOT to be a nag.  How to be responsible to and for another person in this huge scary world.  How to take care of myself and my needs while at the same time honoring, respecting, and taking care of the needs of another.  How to remember to put dishes in the dishwasher instead of the sink.  How to not let the laundry get in the way of spending time with my family.  How to let the little things mean a lot and the big things not oblate them.

Everyone has been great with advice:

"elope."

"Don't start planning anything for at least two weeks."

"Start dress shopping NOW."

"As long as you have each other to love, everything will be fine." 

 "Don't do it!" (a joke from his uncle, to whom the Fiance` replied - "You've met her, you know why I'm doing it!"  Ain't he great!?)

"Remember it's YOUR day - do whatever YOU want and to heck with everyone else."

What's funny, is that most of the advice we've been given (and I should say I, because somehow, no one ever thinks the groom needs advice...that's a whole nother post) surrounds the WEDDING and not the Marriage.  What I want in advice on how to have a good Marriage.  I mean, the wedding, after all, is just one day - the Marriage is the Big Scary Thing I am Worried About.  Now that we've both made the choice to commit to each other, it's a lifetime of choosing to continue and honor that commitment - and neither of us really knows internally what that means for us.  I mean, we're figuring it out now, and sure it will change with time.  So I guess it's one of those things you learn on the fly and keep learning as we grow old together.  That's my favorite image of marriage - old people on a swing, comfortable enough in each other to just sit and swing and Be together.  The big blank space for me though, is how to get to that point.  The mis sing piece of that picture is the past, the history - the experience of being married that I have trouble understanding - I was young when my parents were young in marriage, so I don't remember those early stages of their marriage as an example.  All I have is the end result - they'll have been married thirty years this year, so I suppose that's a good model.  Ah well... such is life - we learn as we go.

by the way...

Just in case you hadn't heard...

 

I'M ENGAGED!

 

That is all.

get that girl a straitjacket

Oh the insanity. I typed another wedding planning address into the "address" bar and almost clicked go, but stopped myself. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

~~~~~

In other news, reconcilitation attempts are being made with lost-touch-with-them-friends. Results are encouraging, and further work is being done to facilitate additional contact.

~~~~~

More blog, less whine
What to write about?? Lately, that is the question on my mind. I find myself wanting to write, but have nothing (seemingly) important to say. At least nothing I might regret later.

The good news is that I don't have anything to complain about. Since, you know, the inception of this blog was essentially to vent my frustrations about life in general. And lately, I don't have any. Work is good, the beau is good, the living sitch is okay...more importantly, I'm okay. No internal mental anguish, just obsessions about being stuck in neutral with regards to the pace at which I am moving through life phases as of late. And that's okay. I am making peace with the fact that I am a little slower in general, relative to the rest of the population. Not that it's a bad thing. My take on this is that going at a slightly slower pace allows me to savor those life events all the more. So excuse me while I go pour a glass of wine and enjoy life at the moment.

limbo limbo limBO!

So I've wrestled with whether or not to discuss the following topic here, since, you know, it would be "putting it out there".  Cause it's a big secret.  Oh yeah.  Then I realized that I don't really care who finds out, and only one of my "face to face" friends reads my blog anyway... and she already knows and will keep/is keeping it on the down-low...Here goes.

 

I have become obsessed with weddings.  I'm not engaged.  I've discussed marriage/getting married/wedding stuff with my boyfriend ad nauseum.  But no ring on my hand.  My parents know we are planning on getting married, as do some friends - my dad refers to it as an "eventuality".  Meaning, it's not official, but yet it is decided.  I have a wedding magazine hidden under my bed, and a strategically labelled notebook full of ideas and information I do not yet need regarding reception sites, etc.  I can't act engaged (bold becuase it's really and OFFICIAL...) because I don't have a ring on my hand, we haven't "Officially" announced it, but at the same time we are "engaged".  (with quotes, because it's not REAL...but it is... but it's not... oh, I'm confused...).

 

I'm in limbo, because while I'm preparing to give up my singlehood, trying to decide if I want to keep my maiden name, worrying about how we will pay for some extravagent party I don't really want, and caught up in the "fairytale" idea of having a dad-daughter dance... my lovely beau and I are caught up in the dance of picking a ring and waiting for him to actually really propose (even though, if we are at this place, then isn't it already decided?)  I feel slightly cheated because the I missed out on the romantic act of getting a proposal, but yet I wouldn't have liked not knowing it was coming...  It's like half of me is all modern/evolved woman but then rest is stuck in Victorian England... 

 

What the heck!?  Why and how did all these weird "old-fashioned" ideas get into my head?  I feel totally irrational, and I don't understand why.  I know this is a big transition.  I don't handle change of any sort well.  Perhaps just admitting this is a big change will help me cope - I feel like it is.  Then perhaps I can tackle the larger question of what I do want out of life for the future.

invisible woman

I'm feeling slightly invisible.  I realized yesterday that it's okay too.  I mentioned this to someone, and they asked why.  I told them - I feel ignored because I am being ignored either on purpose or by accident.  But then when they started talking to me about, I realized I didn't really want to talk about where I was at emotionally - being invisible is okay.  I just want to wallow about in this feeling for a little while.

 

In other news, the ballroom dance lessons I am taking with Steve are going okay.  I love him, but the boy has got a very poor sense of rhythm...but at least he (or the other guys) are not stepping on my feet...

tall short

The days are getting longer here.  The sun was nearly all the way up when I left for work at the usual time (8:15 AM).  Definitely made getting up to have a spare 15 minutes this morning all the more worth it.  The royal* mood is also uplifted, which is always a bonus.

* For those of you that haven't figured it out yet, the "lady" part of the name is from a long-time royalty complex.  Not that I act like a royal pain... all the time...

~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

retail therapy tames the savage...

I had twenty dollars in a gift card burning a hole in my pocket, but have been saving for something I "need."  I have everything I need.  I've been a good girl and not splurging on non-necessity stuff lately.  Yesterday that all came down in shambles.

I had a reaallllly bad Monday.  I won't go into detail, mainly cause it was work related.  It was bad.  I was bi$%#^.  I decided I needed to be good to myself, so I went to Target with my giftcard in hand.

It's amazing how much money you can spend on frivolous stuff when you allow yourself to do it.  It started out innocently enough, with some new eyeshadow... I wandered around for a half an hour trying to find $16 more stuff to use the giftcard on...then I started on the crafty stuff (a photo trimmer I've been wanting for MONTHS and an exacto knife)... then fun stationary (funky square paper with bright colored stripes down the sides)... Valentine's socks... a bar of Ghiradelli (because good chocolate, like love, makes everything better...)... a copy of the new mag "Everyday" (with Rachael Ray!  Oh thank heavens for the "garbage bowl"...)... organizer trays for my drawer at work (cause I'm sick of digging for my tape!)... no-budge headbands for working out...

I spent $40.  Total.  I spent $20 of my money, $20 gift card.

The beast is now appeased with lots of things to keep her happy in the next few months of gray days.  Now excuse me while I go work in my fun socks for the rest of the day.

bad day

Gar.  I'm going to go swallow a pint of chocolate ice cream and do some retail therapy.  YEs, it was THAT bad of a monday.

Friday - ARGGGGG

Even though it is not officially... I declare today to be Talk Like A Pirate Day!

 

ARGGGG.

 

Just because it's Friday and I am tired and increasingly stressed out and sick.

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

This morning I really realized the days are getting longer.  I left at my newly/usual time for work (~8 AM) to be here by ~8:30 AM.  The sun was rising.  Realize that over the past few weeks, it has not been doing that.  So I am VERY happy.  Part of my happiness is due to the fact that I am dragging my butt out of bed earlier, so I see more sun and get more done during the day.  I have always been one of those people who need sunlight.  I am realizing this more and more since my lab lacks natural light.  I've noticed when I'm here longer, I feel yucky just because of the lack of light.  Not necessarily because of the 12 hour day, but who knows what contributes to that feeling.

 

In particular, I am glad for more light because I am sick of winter and colds and my lymph nodes being sore all day long, all week long.  My body is constantly bombarded with microbial challenges (I work in a microbiology lab...duh this would be an issue).  I'm not sick, but I'm sick of my neck hurting because I'm not sick.  Owie.

 

I am also glad for longer days because people are happier in the spring.  Everything is a little "lighter" - strangers smile at you more when you go into a coffee shop for a cafe au lait.  Errands become more fun and less chore just because the sun is out and you are outside and have full locomotion of your limbs.

 

[le sigh]

 

I'm moving to France, where even when it's yucky, people take life less seriously and despite weird leaders, they have okay work/life balance systems.

 

my obsession

I have been to the gym M-F last week, did yoga on Saturday, danced around the house on Monday, and hit the gym yesterday.  So far so good on week 2.

 

Realized as I was all excited about hitting the cardio machines...my freebie little headset (that allows me to listen to the TV at the gym while I am on the cardio machine) is broken.  Poo.

 

Observed for a half an hour that given something lost, very few people seem concerned.  I found someone else's headset left on the ground by my machine.  I was on the machine for about 35 minutes, and NO ONE who walked by had stopped to check that it was mine and not lost.  I finally turned it in to the desk after I was done.

 

The new RPAC is always busy.  I was there at 9 PM last night and it was still hopping.  Usually, that is around when it seemed to die down in the old Larkins.

 

I need a nap.  It's only 9 AM and I need a nap.  I need to start working out in the morning to get my energy up.  Maybe I'll get some stuff started at work and skip over the gym at lunch.  :::yawn:::  Past that, I have nothing to write about.

gym rat

I've been to the gym on Friday, Monday, and Tuesday so far this week. I also count Saturday's grocery shopping as exercise. :-) Not bad so far. I just have to keep with it.
~~~~~~~~~
I have a friend going into the hospital next week. I'm not sure what to get to take into her - flowers seem cliche. I was thinking something to entertain her would be good, but am stuck for ideas. Trashy gossip magazines? Coloring book and crayons? Crosswords or wordfinds? A copy of the NY Times perhaps?


~~~~~~~~~
The new rec center was CROWDED yesterday. So crowded that every single locker was full - i had to scrounge around for one near the swimming pool. You would think with all the empty walls and space that they would have installed more lockers.

lay about

I realized this weekend, that I have WAY too many projects. I need to stop starting new things before I have finished my existing list (which is quite long). Mostly it is craft projects/home improvement stuff -i.e. making clothes, pillows, etc. Maybe if I focus on one thing at a time for longer than 5 minutes I'd get something done.

strange luck

So I'm having a bad week, you could say. But it's been getting better.

But yesterday evening was good. I went to my favorite store to spend some Christmas cash - $50 to be exact. Problem is, the jeans I needed were $40. Each. BUT - there was a SALE so they were 2 for $59. Great! AND I had a coupon, but you have to spend $75 to get $25 off - which meant I had to spend at least $16 more. Okay...ring up this tank top for $19.50. What? It's marked down to $9.99 you say? Oh. Well, I can't use a clearance item to cover the 6.01 difference can I... can I? You'll make an exception!? Sweet! Then here are these pajama pants (with martini glasses and vodka bottles) that were originally $30, marked down to $9.99, with an additional 30% off they come to $6.99. So I rocked the deals and got all that stuff for $50. And... the pants... duhn duhn duhn DUNH... are one size smaller than I was wearing. In fact, I could squeeze into a 16, but then I looked like two walking sausages and that's just not cool. But one size smaller is still awesome. So awesome in fact, that it has inspired me on to further weightloss goals... another 10 pounds by the 13th of Feburary I say! And so I embark on more stringent adherance to my Phase 2 south beach diet and start up an exercise plan this evening. Won't bore you with details, but know I will periodically celebrate any small victories.

SUH.

This is FREAKIN' AWESOME.

Wednesday quickie

It's Wednesday, so almost to the weekend. I have no desire to do any of the things at home I should do before the weekend. Just wanna go home and sleep, because all my weekends the past few months have been running,running, running.

Lots of people seem to be having lots of troubles lately. This is a general prayer request - just pray with me for all those people I am praying for this week.

life in neutral

Today I feel like my life is on hold.

This isn't a new feeling. I've felt like I'm in a holding pattern since I started graduate school. I guess I feel like I'm in neutral, because I'm still rolling, but not necessarily of my own design. Life events, and results of experiments, keep happening, not as a direct result of my effort, but because they happen.

I'm waiting. I hate waiting for things to happen to me. It's frustrating to the control freak in me.