3rd Year Student Seminar Presentation

I nailed it.  That is all.  :-)

(now on to finishing my candidacy exam, recycling the same talk for two more seminars, cloning a new set of mutants into my splice reporter system, sleeping, soaking my now hurt and blistered feet -- darn power heels! -- and trying to continue the trudgery that is GRADUATE SCHOOL...)

p.s.  The best part of getting my talk done the first week of the quarter, is that I "set the bar" with my "nice graphics"... and now I get to sit back and just ask questions of my classmates all quarter... MY LAST QUARTER of student seminar.  Yippee!!!

head out of sand

Gotta love lab mates.  I rewrote my stupid stupid exam... and had one read it.  "It reads really well."  Only minor comments.  I am not an idiot after all.  Emailed it to my advisor, who is out of town til Friday.  I am going home to take a nap now, then work out later.

Day 1 of the rest of it all

My big new experiment kinda worked.  Well, the controls worked.  And I got the result I expected -- not as fantastically beautious as I wanted, but it's headed in the right direction.  In my line of work, things don't always work they way you want them to, or ever for that matter.  You have to learn to be flexible, to analyze every angle, to not fall in love with the results you think you want -- because they may not be right, or possible, or whatever.

I'm learning to not be a perfectionist.  To focus more on the progress I have made/am making.  This has been a LONG journey and one I am constantly reminded throughout that it's about choices and how I react to things.

A lot of this has been applied to my life in the past year.  About a year ago, I was starting to realize I wasn't happy... that I felt as though my choices had been made for me or that I had made the wrong choice.  In retrospect, I didn't take responsiblity for my choices up til that point.

I have learned...

thinking things over and over doesn't make it any easier to take that first decision/action.

having even a little bit of faith in yourself changes everything.

all the people in the world aren't out to get you.

asking for what you want is the only way to get it.

realizing that you deserve to be happy is the first step to being happy.

figuring out what you want to be happy is the second step to being happy.

 

I do have to give credit to two of my friends for the roles the Big Guy Upstairs had them play to get me what I needed in my searching...

My friend Fonda gave me a lot of support right when I needed it.  I didn't have have anyone to really talk to about my life at that point, because I had so little time to build friendships.  She also gave me a great self-help book that I finished in three days. 

Steve... well, he was around.  A lot.  He started to become my friend and didn't place any expectations on me in our friendship.  I had NEVER had that happen to me before.  And he also let me know he cared about me -- not in a romantic way or anything.  He called me on New Year's eve when I was running late for a party my "gang" was to be at.  "Where are you?  Are you still coming?  Why are you late?  When are you going to get here?"  Bear in mind two things: 1) I don't usually run late.  2)  Steve very very rarely gets worked up about anything in a negative or positive way.  So it was pretty obvious that he cared if I showed up that night or not.  Up til that point, I figured he could have cared less, and that the only reason we really were hanging out was convenience (which didn't bother me because, hey, when your idea of a good time is staying up til 4 in the morning to make fun of "Elimadate" contestant
s, there aren't many people to share that with...).  So it was pretty significant to have someone actually care, let alone someone whom I was pretty sure didn't.

Shortly after that, I started living my life like I deserved happiness, success, love, and whatever else I wanted.  And I worked toward getting the things I thought would get me in the right direction.  I got some of them.  I grew up.  A LOT.  I'm still not perfect... but I'm headed in the right direction...

I am so NOT a loser!

*GRAD SCHOOL UPDATE*
Presented my poster today at the Cancer Center meeting with success.  Didn't win a prize, but didn't make a total fool myself either.  My advisor said I did well, so as far as I'm concerned, that's success.

Thoughts
I think I will post tomorrow... but thanks to AJ for a great shout out.  It's nice to be mentioned.  :-)  Check out his blog on my blogroll --->

Of rubber cement and sealing wax

Thoughts
When I get down, I try to take better care of myself.  Today I slept in, painted my nails, got coffee and a bagel from my favorite shop (Brewsters in Upper Arlington), and checked out my favorite blogs.  All before 10:30.  I'm a-doing good at taking care of myself.

Rantings
When it is so obvious that I have tons to do on talk slides and posters, why can't I seem to get crackin'?  It's the starting that's holding me up.  So I've started.  And rewarded myself by blogging... now back to work.  {CRACK}  TYPE TYPE!!!  {CRACK}

Musings

I wish it were easier to keep in touch with people.  I called my best gal pal from college (whose wedding I'm going to be in in May) last night after realizing I hadn't spoken to her in over a month.  Why?  Because I don't get home before 10 PM, by which time most proper people are in bed.  I don't call people on the weekends because I am too busy -- scratch that, I don't make time.  I must not lament things that are not my fault.  But you would think in an age of quick email and even more convenient cell phones, I would be better connected -- and I'm not.  I always did better with pen and paper letters.  I love the feel of a hefty pen with smooth ink in my hand as I jot line after line of updating amusement for a friend.  Perhaps tonight I will catch up on my letter writing.  I have loads of stationary to use and a new book of stamps to send on their merry way.  Yes, I think I shall retire to my desk with pens and&n
bsp;paper and sealing wax.  I shan't forget ye though... perchance my old school writing will inspire better things to flow via the keyboard.  Let's take a chance shall we?

oh but for the life I lead...I'd be a happy and contented lass

See this... ;-( This is my frustrated yet determined face.

I got my comments back from my advisor and two of three committee members. "good writing overall" "imaginative idea".

BUT... "significant typos" "superficial" "lack of detail"

[sigh] The good news is I get a second chance -- revisions due to my advisor on Wednesday. Revisions on the order of "ready to send out to your committee" revisions. I'll be working hard this week and weekend... no more blogging for me til it's done ...wish me luck!

Of rubber cement and sealing wax

Thoughts
When I get down, I try to take better care of myself. Today I slept in, painted my nails, got coffee and a bagel from my favorite shop (Brewsters in Upper Arlington), and checked out my favorite blogs. All before 10:30. I'm a-doing good at taking care of myself.

Rantings
When it is so obvious that I have tons to do on talk slides and posters, why can't I seem to get crackin'? It's the starting that's holding me up. So I've started. And rewarded myself by blogging... now back to work. {CRACK} TYPE TYPE!!! {CRACK}

Musings
I wish it were easier to keep in touch with people. I called my best gal pal from college (whose wedding I'm going to be in in May) last night after realizing I hadn't spoken to her in over a month. Why? Because I don't get home before 10 PM, by which time most proper people are in bed. I don't call people on the weekends because I am too busy -- scratch that, I don't make time. I must not lament things that are not my fault. But you would think in an age of quick email and even more convenient cell phones, I would be better connected -- and I'm not. I always did better with pen and paper letters. I love the feel of a hefty pen with smooth ink in my hand as I jot line after line of updating amusement for a friend. Perhaps tonight I will catch up on my letter writing. I have loads of stationary to use and a new book of stamps to send on their merry way. Yes, I think I shall retire to my desk with pens and&n bsp;paper and sealing wax. I shan't forget ye though... perchance my old school writing will inspire better things to flow via the keyboard. Let's take a chance shall we?

The breakthrough

Thoughts
I have been worrying. I'm a third year graduate student. I have three talks to give in the next three months, my poster for the Comprehensive Cancer Center Scientific Meeting, and giving the same poster for the College research day. By now, I thought I had mastered doing multiple "assignments" at once, but now I find myself struggling with a) the confidence that I can and b)actually doing it.

Rantings
Why can't I just get over myself already? I know that I am not perfect, yet I strive to be, I push myself to be in every aspect. I set myself up for defeat, knowing that I cannot be perfect, yet I expect this of myself. Mostly because I think everyone else expects it of me. Very few people do expect it of me, when it comes down to it. So I think "good enough" will work for me for now.

Musings
I am toying with the idea of running away. Or, at the very least, waiting to "run away" until I am retired. I have decided that what I really want to do after I retire from sciency stuff is to run my own travel/tour agency. Where we take/organize fun trips that aren't too jam packed, that focus on the journey, and that include lots of out of the way spots and awesome hidden bite-to-eat experiences. Ultimately, it would be a small group type experience, which the tours never exceeding more than 15 people or so. This I think is a good idea, and is something that I could make a BOATLOAD of money doing and like it as a retirement "job." Plus, I do want to travel when I retire, so why not make money at it?!?!

What's in a name...

So I'm reevaluating this whole blog thing. 'Specially since no one seems to be reading. Perhaps I need to comment on other blogs more. I dunno. I always feel weird commenting, cause it's like this insider's club of people that all know each other and what not. I do know that it's not really on purpose that I feel excluded. But I do. Perchance I am a bit sensitive about this because it so frequently has happened to me? In any event. My goal is to get more traffic I suppose. More "feed-forward" comments. Part of it is my therapy sessions are being cut down gradually, I have neglected all my flesh and bone friends because of my candidacy, and I feel an urge to connect to all the fantastically witty people I have read via Blogger. [le sigh].

Suggestions are welcome on a new title. I am hoping to change it to something catchy, yet all my inspiration is gone with my energy -- sapped of me for the exam and my abstract and the 10 googolplex things I've had to do today and not work. :0( At least it's Friday.

Thoughts
I am lonely.

Rantings
WHY OH WHY can't I have a break. DARNIT!!!! I have worked my butt off to get one thing done, and I do it, and then it doesn't work, so I have to do it AGAIN. GRAHAHAHA.. I am so frustrated with myself for making poor choices in my work lately that have cost me so much time. I am rapidly losing confidence my capabilities, which is NOT what I need right now.

Musings
Champagne and a boy... what more do you need on a Friday night? ;0)

WHEEEEeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

**Candidacy Update**

I have printed my final copies... after having multiple heart attacks and using half a ream of paper...I even went to Kinko's and did color copies (because the color copier we have ran out of red ink).  So it's done.  I don't care if there are minor mistakes anymore.  I am done obsessing.  I turned in two copies to my boss's mailbox last night at 10 AM, as she's getting one and delivering another to one committee member.  I am delivering the other two myself today.  Whew.

Bought a bottle of champagne for tonight, and am going to use the special glasses my Tutu bought for me for Christmas to celebrate.  My quals are not completely done, but at least this portion, this milestone of the process has been reached.  That is an accomplishment in and of itself, and I think I deserve to celebrate.  So if you are so inclined, feel free to raise a glass this evening to hope, hard work, and seeing light at the end of a tunnel.  :0)

Thoughts...
I am SOOOO happy my proposal is done.  I made a big point to thank my boyfriend for his support... so now I am thanking all you in Blogland for reading my nutso entries and for writing stuff for my brain to unwind in.  Thanks.  :0)

Rantings...
When did it become humanly possible to do 8 things at once?  I mean I can multitask, but not that well.  [sigh] early days and late nights...the only way to fit it all in.

Musings...
What would I do if I wasn't doing grad school?  At this point, I can't imagine doing much else.  I might have ended up a PR person, or a writer, maybe an opera singer -- all things I thought about in college.  All things I still dabble in on occasion.  It's nice to have more than my work to reward me in life.