this is IT

Ladies and gentlemen of Blogville... I present to you, my last will and testament... as a grad student. (Tomorrow is my LAST DAY EVAR...I start the new job on January 8, 2007... so you will see slightly less of me as there will be no new blogging from work... only home during free time, which I will have blessedly MORE of after tomorrow).

To my bench, I leave clean paper and no dust.

To my pipettes, I leave the opportunity to work for someone new.

To myself, I leave with fear of the unknown but courage to face new opportunity. All I have to do is turn in the darn thing tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

AH!

My thesis is finished. I think. I am walking away from it... saved in multiple places. I have to take a break. I am hoping to print it out and check it out on Saturday or Monday, then make any changes I need to... then to print it out for the graduate school. I am SOOOO tired.

Nicole

defense

:-)

I passed!

Now I just have to finish up and get these papers and myself out of here...I start my new job on January 8 - I won't say where, but it is my DREAM JOB. Gives me even more proof that this (leaving grad school with my Masters) is the right decision.

in... and out...

Oiy.

My masters thesis defense/meeting is tomorrow. Please pray extra hard for me today and tomorrow. I am trying not to obsess. I am trying to go over what I do know, and refreshing my memory and keeping things straight. I am confident - I know my stuff. I am just a little worried that I'll forget that when I set foot in that room.

I just have to remember to pull myself together if that happens. I remember my candidacy exam, I feel apart when I didn't know the answer to something. It was all down hill from there. But the last time I presented, I didn't know the answer to a question. Some discussion ensued, and I had a moment to recognize I was losing it. So I took a deep breath, told myself to pull it together, and did. Then I finished the presentation and did well. So I KNOW I can do this. I deserve this! I have worked and worked and worked, and yea, I am not staying to finish my Ph.D., but at the very least, I deserve to be recognized for the work I have done!

Just breathe. Deep breaths. Try not to pass out or hyperventilate.

Christmas goodness

There is a-plenty of Christmas around. ALL OVER MY FLOOR. ALL OVER MY FIANCE'S FLOOR. I just can't seem to get any of it on the tree. I'm not feeling the Christmas spirit this year. I only bought presents online, and because I felt obligated to get everyone something. Christmas music holds no appeal. I don't fully understand this. Part of it may be the little bit of depression, but I am feeling particularly low this season. The past few ones have been low, since my grandfather passed away during the holiday season in 2000, but usually I can still manage to enjoy it to an extent, while still honoring those memories of him.

This year, though, there is more emotional and physical baggage. A LOT OF stuff going on. I am motivated to do everything else, because also on my floor/my fiance`'s floor are...

-) at least four loads of laundry (how I have yet to run out of underwear is a question of cosmic quantum mechanics).

-) about ten pairs of shoes

-) various wedding accessories

-) books books and more books

That, and I just finished my written masters thesis yesterday. My brain hurts. Time for some weekend celebrating...WHOOOT WOOT!

chapter 3

Driving home in the pouring rain is never Elan’s idea of a good time. Still, she thinks, this is a challenge. Everyone else seems to totally flip out at the thought of slick roads – she just white knuckles the steering wheel and grits her teeth to help with the stress.

Finally home, she kicks off her shoes and heads straight for the shower. Anything short of scrubbing her skin off will help get rid of the stress of the day, despite the constant ringing of the cell phone.

“DAMMIT!!”

She waits for it to stop. It rings again and again and again, then stops just as she’s exiting the shower. Just for that, she thinks, I’m not calling you back right away” as she sinks into the couch with a hot cup of cider and the microwave dinner she had picked up on the way home.

second installment

Elan decided that going home was the best option, but that going home to no food was not. Stopping at the local organic food store on the way home would be the BEST option.

So off to the market she goes. And there bumps into none other than ... this guy. This guy she knows... what was his name again? Brett? Brandon? WAIT...Brad. "You remember him... the tall, sandy blonde that ignored you in college? That agreed to escort you to that dance?" she says to herself. "Oh yes... just one of many heartbreaks/heartbreakers..." she muses to her self.

"Oiy! Brad! What's up!?"

Not much. Just moved here for a new job. What about you?

Working, as usual. The funny thing is that they never tell you that the work doesn't stop with college, it just gets more focused and pointless.

Seriously!

Hey, I gotta run, but it was good seeing you!

Yeah, you too. Hey we should totally get together some time... what's your number?

We should definitely ... my fiance` and you would really get along.

Oh.

What... "oh."???

You're engaged?!

Uh, yeah. See the ring? (she blatantly waves the rock on her left hand... boys.)

--
In any event, they exchange numbers. Elan knows he won't call and doesn't totally intend to call him either. She'll pass it to her fiance` and tell him to call. Or to remind her to call - that will pretty much ensure that the call will never be made. Reconnecting with old crushes is not high on the priority list with a wedding to plan.

what love can't make better...

As much as I want to write a great post tonight, I can't. I have to go write a summary on stress granules and Processing bodies. Yay. :-| So this will be a short but sweet one.

I need to write more other than complaining. So now for your reading enjoyment, a short story... or a short part of a short story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sky was inky black. Aside from the faint glow of the street lamps. It made it look almost like a charcoal drawing, with extra color from pastels added into the scene.

The protagonist of our story stepped out into the warm fall and made the brief observation that it was certainly warm for November. What to do next? To the library for a brief jaunt through the periodicals section for an article, then home to some food... or to the store to buy more food... or what else she didn't know. She just new that after standing all day, and trying desparately to focus on what her hands were doing, she wanted to allow her mind to wander aimlessly. To let her mind call the shots and to cause her fingers to dance gingerly over the keys and let out the thoughts that, like her, had been trapped inside all day - away from the light, hidden in the basement, and kept away from the world. Perhaps allowing them to spill would lighten the load and free her focus to accomplish the things she was required to do (not necessarily NEEDED to do, because that might imply she would rather be doing those things than anything else...).

She stepped out. And let her mind wander with her feet.

cha-cha-cha

So I have started applying for jobs. I found some cool technical writing jobs, some quality analysis jobs, some editor positions. Applied for them all.

I have an interview. For a real JOB. Exciting stuff. Apparently, I'm good on paper.

In other news, saw the Psych today. Quick 30 minute appointment (actually 20, because even though I was there 8 minutes EARLY, we didn't start til 10 after 8.)... upped my dosage of Zoloft to 100mgs per day (I know, you care SOOOO Much about this...). In all, making progress. I have an intake appointment for individual counseling on Monday, so hopefully that will go well. I feel better, if that is any indication of progress.

I also bought THIS... to help with my ultra dry hands. It WORKS baby. Go buy some before the weather gets truly crappy and so does your skin.

L8r.

hat day

So it is official. I have decided to leave graduate school with my masters degree at the end of this quarter.

YEE HAW!...Oh crap now I need to get a job. And no more parental assistance. Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap.... But I will be done with school! I can get a JOB. Doing something I LOVE (versus something that frustrates me to no end!)

Let the celebration of life change commence...

And... in light of that... today is the first day of the fall season I have worn a hat. My Ushuaia hat to be exact (see my flicker strip below right...).

More substantial posts later...

new life...

*Warning: this post contains highly contemplative spiritual and Catholic Christian content. If you are offended by the sharing of other's spiritual experiences, I encourage you to read on so you can actually comment that you are offended at the CONTENT (i.e. my opinions), rather than ranting at me for posting on a spiritual TOPIC.*

I finished chapter 40 of "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren this morning. WOW. I started it thinking, maybe this will help me discern my purpose in life - meaning, I would know what job to have, how to raise my kids, etc.

I realized after finishing this book (mind you, I finished the first 20 or so chapters, then came back to it...) that my PURPOSE is not the activities... not the job... not MY purpose. It's God's purpose. For me. So my life decisions are more about "will this allow me the freedom to fufill God's purpose for me in this life?".. and less "is this where I am supposed to be?".

This means a lot for me, since I am all in the midst of major life changes (school, getting married, having family move, etc.) and making decisions for what direction to take. There may be more than one "right place" for me to be that will fit into God's purpose for me. I just have to be open to fufilling that purpose, whether I know what it is or not. Right now, I am in the dark, and I know that is for a reason. Free will is what it is - free - so I have to make these decisions on my own. I've been praying for the Holy Spirit to enlighten me.

Or rather I am praying for God to open my heard to His word and the Holy Spirit. I have only had a few life experiences where I've been truly enlightened. As of late, I am realizing it's more about me opening up and listening to myself. When it comes down to it though, I truly believe that we all possess a certain amount of Divinity - we are all created in God's image and for His purpose - so listening very carefully, God can speak through our heart by raising the volume of that Divinity He put in us. That's what I'm trying to do.

Right now, I am realizing that though I am good at what I do right now, that there are other talents God has granted me with that I am wasting. So my goal is to not waste my talent - I was blessed with it for a reason. I was blessed with the talents I have (as developed or undeveloped as they may be) to fulfull God's purpose, and using the talents I have and developing the talents I have will help me do that.

So here's my mantra to help me remember my purposes for life: I have to live my life so that I can use my talents to the fullest, mazimize my openess to living my God-given purpose, and be the best person I can be by practicing my faith in my small, everyday actions and decisions.

Have a great weekend!

"three weeks"

Okay, I feel absolutely cruddy today. It is thundering and lightning, and I would rather be in bed. Not much longer til I am, so this is a quicky to let you all know I am alive, the meds are starting to kick in and kick my butt, and that I am absolutely scared out of my mind.

Change freaks the crap out of me. I am contemplating a major life change, and the question I have is whether the risk is worth it. Will I be able to handle it better than I am handling myself in my current life? Or will I crash and burn? I suppose being absolutely miserable makes any options better than life at present.

Wish me luck...

keep on, keep on...

Yeah.  I know I sound like a retro song, but that is all I can do at the moment.  You get opera when I feel better.

I started on meds last week.  So far... nothing, except I noticed that I actually feel tired in the evening when it is time for bed, versus absolutely WIRED like before.  So my sleep/wake cycle is getting fixed at least.  Supposedly, I won't notice any behavioral or emotional changes for a few weeks.  I have noticed I feel somewhat shaky... or rather more than normal if I don't eat.  So I just have to keep an eye on that.  Maybe a little more wired during the day?  Don't know if that's the meds or the new coffee maker.

Oiy... I almost forgot.

I got a new Senseo coffeemaker... for FREE.  Yes, I am so wonderfully great and a fabulous blogger that the Senseo people sent me a free coffeemaker.  Well, er.. um.  Here's the story...

~flash back to shortly after we registered at Macy's, when I was all jazzed on STUFF!  More STUFF! That I will not buy but will receive miraculously!  STUFF!  Note that I am only now semi-recovered from the fine china-induced high of bridezilla-ness...~

I get an email from weddingchannel.com, where our Macy's registry is through, because apparently this huge store can't afford a web designer/web management department to link their registry stuff to their online page.  Whatever.  I read the email stating that "you may be eligible to receive a FREE Senseo coffemaker!".  Given my mood, and that I have Always wanted one but never bought it nor would register for one because it is a Weird Gift No One Will Buy Me and Too Expensive to Rationalize Adding Along With the KitchenAid Mixer, I decide this may be worth 5 minutes and potential junk mail.  I fill out the survey.  I mention that I have a blog, that I usually talk to people about the stuff I buy, etc.

A week later I get an email stating that I am ELIGIBLE and all I have to do to get my Senseo coffeemaker is to go give them my shipping address.  So I do, and am told I will receive my coffeemaker in 3-4 weeks.  I think, well, even if I don't get it, this was fun.  But I hope, and I wait.

Four weeks later, expecting my awesome awesome shoes that Sloth gave me advice on buying from Zappos.com for my wedding, I get a package and think, "Zappos.com doesn't ship DHL.  And this is a big box for those sandals I bought."  I realize with bated breat that this... this is my new Senso coffeemaker!

So I open the box... and proceed to dance around the kitchen.  New toy new toy new toy new toy! 

So I've had it for about a week now.  It is GREAT.  Great with a capital G.  I LOVE it with a capital L.  It makes coffee that tastes just like the stuff I had in Switzerland (best... coffee...ever) with the fun frothy coffee froth, minus the cute little white porcelain cup and cute mini spoon (note to self, register for these).  It also makes tea - Tetley conveniently makes tea bags that are round and fit perfectly.  It makes great steaming hot water, like an electric kettle that is good for apple cider, etc. and measures out exactly the right amount for a packet - that is if I can FIND this in the grocery store this week.

So all in all, my advice:

GO BUY A SENSEO.

Or better yet, win a free one or get a coupon - comment and I'll send you an email with more information.

 

p.s. The sandals, they did arrive the next day in a giant white box marked "ZAPPOS.COM" and they are FABULOUS ...aside from the fact that they are too small.  So I am returning them, and in the meantime, ordered a pair in the next size up in the hopes that they will fit because I LOVE them with a capital L.  STUFF!  More Stuff!!!!

 

holding steady...

The existential issues of where I am at in life continue, however, I've realized I have a WHOLE lot of support to lean on if I feel overwhelmed. And cats to cuddle with as well, which, when you have cats to cuddle, what can't you deal with? Don't worry, I'm not turning into a cat lady or anything. I am just cat checking this week for a friend. Water, food, and a whole lot of play and loving every other day. Not a bad gig. It's therapeutic to say the least.

I have also started doing ceramics. Yes I KNOW I have 10 current crochet projects to finish, and I will finish them. I just like trying new things and being able to switch it up with crafts, or I get bored. Plus it's also therapeutic cause it gets me out of the house and in society, whereas I've yet to find a social network for the crocheting. I'm sure that is something which I'll do at some point.

Weather is turning in OH now. Some trees are turning color already, and it was COLD this morning. The heat actually kicked on in the house! Welcome fall...

ACHK!!!

I will focus on the many issues circulating in my head today. I have a few of them, and need work through them, so many if I go "BLERGH..." and just vomit them up it will help. Bear in mind the reason I am putting this out there is for the benefit of you, the non-scientists and the scientists alike, to learn what goes through the headof those questioning their science career track.

Before I get off tangent, know that I did see my group counselor leader today who recommended a colleague for me to see in therapy to deal with my anxiety issues, and signed up for an appointment with a psychiatrist for drugs- because they are all good and will help me out.

Now for the good stuff:

• I am questioning staying in science. I know I don't want to do research, and I have a questionable opinion of whether or not I'll get overwhelmed/frustrated/burnt out on teaching community college.
• I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get a job at a science museum - getting people excited about science and how it is relevant to them.
• I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to get a job in public policy promoting science and science funding and research etc - I could really make a difference. The downside is that it may be high pressure. The other upside is that I could then get my feet wet in public policy and maybe run for president. How much would that rock - a sciencey president!
• Getting "just" a masters would allow me options outside of science, and if I wanted to do research - I would get paid better as a research scientist than a post-doc.
• If I leave science I can always come back.

sleepy goopy eyes

So sleeping pills are supposed to help you sleep.  I know this.  But I take them, and I still wake up at 4:30 AM.  WHY!?  i had to pee... that's right folks, I am 26 and my bladder is the size of that from an 87 year old woman.

 

The stress from juggling job, wedding stuff, my FRIENDS weddings that we have to to go (three this month and one next month), house stuff ( the front hall way walls are painted, now we just have to go after the trim!) has been so much that sleeping pills were warranted.  They are great, they knock me out right away so I don't sit there mumbling to myself about all sorts of irrational things.  However, I still wake up in the middle of the night for whatever reason, and can't manage to get the required 8 hours after taking them, so when I wake up after going back to bed post-wee hour wee, I am all snotty eyed and grumpy and not productive.  That being said, I should go actually work now...

oh the pain...

My brain hurts... I'm off and on writing this morning because I have NOTHING TO DO except write and read and plan and plan and plan. Grrr. I don't like feeling unproductive ever, even though I want to do things and can't. Grrr.

The good news is that I am getting a personal trainer - so I will have someone to regularly hold me accountable for my physical activity. Look out world... I'm on rollerblades and lifting weights. I may just go do rollerderby next week. ;-)

and the shameful shall not be judged...

So yeah. I know... totally HAVEN'T UPDATED IN FOREVER. (thanks for the call out ESC)

This is the thing... all my life is right now is work (which I refuse to blog about), sleep (thanks to the newest drugs prescribed to cure the stress-induced insomnia), and wedding CRAP.

Yes, you heard right. Wedding CRAP. I am so sick of silk flowers, bargain shopping for ribbon, and whoring myself out for 90% off craft supplies at Michael's. I spent much of Saturday dress shopping with my sister for her maid of honor dress - and we are both now sick of that particular chore. I bought so much CRAP to make more CRAP that I don't even want to think about it. But at least it takes my mind off the stuff I delegated away and can't do anything for. This is the problem with getting stuff done ahead of time. Now I'll just do my little crafty projects and then twiddle my thumbs for the next 9 months.

Blegh. There now I feel better. [sigh] Maybe I'll vent more often? Though I don't know how blogging about family would roll... that could be dangerous territory.

In other news, I have FOUR weddings to go to in the next three months. Shoot me NOW. If dealing with my own isn't enough right now... let's pile on more perfect examples to obessess about and see how she collapses! ARRRRRGGGGGggggg!

gotta go work. But more later. I proMISE!

what is UP?

The sky. I think. I can't seem to keep things straight up and down or sideways anymore.

I have become a Lowe's junkie. We went to the store TWICE in ONE WEEKEND, which makes the trips to Lowe's total for the week (since Thursday last week) = 3. The sales people RECOGNIZED ME by the third trip.

First trip Thursday night - new thermostat, and paint samples.

Saturday came. The heat came. The heat pump went. Before this happened I did not know what a heat pump was or that we had one. The repair guy came, with information and edumacation and a new fuse that fixed the heat pump, and the knowledge that we had the wrong kind of thermostat. We went BACK to Lowe's - new thermostat, more paint samples. I installed the new thermostat. AC! Hallelujah!

Sunday - again to Lowe's. More paint samples. And PAINT! We couldn't decide between light beige and dark beige (I know, aren't we adventurous?) to go with the BRIGHT BLUE FRONT DOOR! (HAHA!! See, we ARE adventurous!). So we bought a quart of each, and of the white paint for the trim and the blue paint for the door. I painted the door, and some of the trim, and some of the wall.

Tuesday - we primed OVER the already painted part of the wall. And around the trim, and the ugly wall... and the ugly garage/hall door... and the trim too, cause it's dark and will take LOTS of white paint to cover it.

Cut to this morning. The primer is dry but still smells. The dark trim is covered, as are the ugly wall, the ugly door, and the rest of the walls with doors in the entry way. My goal this week is to round out the week by use up the old primer, buying more primer, more paint, and finishing the entry way walls, doors, and trim. Wish me luck, and may the force of the scrub mop (also purchased at Lowe's!) be with you.

Birthday'ed!

I'm 26 now.  What a rush.

 

Went camping with the folks this weekend, and Steve got sick.  He's better now, and neither of us knows what was wrong, but I was scared not knowing what to do for him.  I suppose I should get used to that feeling huh?  In sickness and in health and all that...

 

The nice thing was that my younger cousins were there... these are the two boys who I have known since they were born and I love them like an aunt/older sister.  So of COURSE they are in my wedding.  :-)  I figured out the best way to do it was to give them each a very specific job - the older one is walking my mom down the aisle and the younger one is going to help pass out bubbles after the ceremony.  I am super excited that now they will be there on my big day, since I was going round and round who to invite, and decided I was going to just make sure the people I really wanted there had a job to do and would HAVE to show up.  :-)

 

Life in general is kicking my butt this week.  and now I have to go kick it's butt back... 'scuse me.